Notorious Nineteen

Time for another book review!

This time its Notorious Nineteen by Janet Evanovich.

Um.....

I'm torn. Part of me is the loyal reader who loves this series - and the other part of me is freaking bored.

There isn't a point in my running down the plot for you. If you have read any of the other 18 books you know exactly what happens here. Cars blow up, Stephanie is caught between Joe and Ranger, Bob still eats everything, Lula's spandex is too tight, and Rex is still alive. How in the hell does a hamster live this long??

Look - the series is funny. Its fluff. But it used to be GOOD. My favorite was Hard Eight - which was hysterical and Stephanie and Ranger slept together. So I went back and just read the descriptions for all the books on Goodreads - and I realized that not a damn thing has actually happened since then.

I will continue to read these books as long as she writes them - but only because I feel like I have to at this point. I feel like I need to know if any thing is going to get resolved. I really hope that the 20th book is the final one - and Stephanie and Joe either shit or get off the pot. I want them to get a house and a kid - I want Lula to learn to dress, Rex to die, Vinnie to get divorced and close up shop, and all of these characters to actually have to move on with their lives. I am bored with it - I can't even imagine how bored they must be.

Paradise Thy Name Is...

Zofran.

Seriously.

After throwing up so much the last couple days that I can't even count - I begged my doctor for something. Anything. Take out my stomach. I don't care. Help.

She gave me Zofran - and while I don't feel perfect - I haven't puked, and I can walk around! I ate something. I almost feel like a human again.

I could make out with my doctor. I love her. She always has the best drugs.

Lame Excuse

It is not like anyone reads this- and if by chance they do - I probably don't know you in real life. But still.

I'm pregnant. Cue jumping up and down cheering.

Except no. I am nauseous from the second I wake up to the second I go to sleep. I am sleeping like crap and I can't poop. I forgot how much I hate being pregnant.

This time I have some extra motivation though - I look at the perfect little Pants that is bouncing around and I remember how wonderful the result is. That is what I do it for.

Sorry I am being lame about writing. But I feel like dirt and don't have anything funny to say. Plus I don't drag myself off the couch enough to have an experience to actually write about it.

I suppose you will hear from me in - like - March.

Delirium

This is the first book I have read since I starting doing reviews that I didn't care for. I'm actually a little excited - I get to rant!

I just finished Delirium by Lauren Oliver. I had not really heard much about this book - but I had heard a lot about Oliver. Her debut book Before I Fall is supposed to be incredible. But it isn't sci-fi-y at all, so I opted for her dystopian trilogy. I think I chose wrong.

(Spoilers!)

This is the story of Lena. She lives in a not too distant future where the government has decided that love is a disease and needs to be eradicated. When kids are 18 they are evaluated, then matched with a partner, then they undergo a brain surgery to "cure" them from love. Then they go through life blissfully happy.

Lena can't wait for the cure - her mom had undergone the cure 3 times and it hadn't worked. She ended up killing herself instead of going through the procedure again. Lena's friend - Hana - has discovered some on-line friends who party and listen to the wrong music and hang out with the opposite sex. Lena meets Alex - who she thinks is cured - and starts to have feelings for him. She finds out that he is not cured - he is actually from the Wilds beyond the fences around the city. They fall in love - and Alex has discovered through his visiting the prison that Lena's mother may be alive.

They sneak in to see her only to find out she escaped. Lena feels betrayed by everyone and decides to run off with Alex into the Wilds. They are discovered before they can go - and Lena's cure is moved up. She manages to escape - Alex arrives on a motorcycle just in time - and Lena makes it over the fence. Alex doesn't. Lena is running through the Wilds injured. The end.

I have several issue with this book. First - the pace is SLOW! So freaking SLOW! Lena discovers she likes music. That takes up like a chapter. Lena and Hana fight. That takes 3. The end is pretty exciting - but it takes over 400 pages to get there - and when I got there - it felt forced. They are careening around on a motorcycle - driving through blockades of armed guards like they are in the Fast and the Furious or some shit. It seemed a little much.

Then - this cure happened about 60 years ago. 60 years does not seem long enough to have gotten the entire population under control and for no one to remember that love didn't kill people. I just don't buy that the entire USA is behind fences, happy, submitting to brain surgery without a care in the world. Nope.

I also got really tired of hearing about how "ordinary" Lena is. She doesn't think she is pretty. She isn't tall - she isn't that smart. She can run - but that is it. I just hate how in ALL of these YA stories - its a girl who isn't the most gorgeous - but the gorgeous perfect boy loves her anyway. I know that they do it so the 16 year old normal girl reading the story thinks "Ohemgee! This could totes be me!" but it doesn't work that way. Way to sell books, though.

Finally - and this is the worst - but I know Oliver is a beautiful writer - but holy balls - she is so wordy. Girlfriend loves a simile. Every feeling was felt as though it was the first time she had ever been mad, happy, sad, anything. I know as a teen you get mood swings - but damn.

Shit like this:

"The farmhouse and the old barn are positioned in a dip of land between two hills, a mini valley, like the buildings are sitting right in the middle of somebody's pursed lips."

Really - the building weren't just sitting in a valley? Now I have a weird image of monopoly houses sitting in my mouth.Or Lena describing being drunk as out of control or "the way my thoughts seemed to break apart like a mist in the sun." I understood at out of control - but thanks for the visual.

Then there was my favorite - when Lena and Alex are in the Wilds and he is reading poetry:

"I close my eyes and listen. The feeling I had before of being surrounded by warmth swells and crests inside of me like a wave. Poetry isn't like any writing I've ever heard before. I don't understand all of it, just bits of images, sentences that appear half-finished, all fluttering together like brightly colored ribbons in the wind."

And just a page later:

"He speaks on, words washing over me, the way that sun-light skips over the surface of water and filters into the depths below, lighting up the darkness. I keep my eyes closed. Amazingly, I can still see the stars: whole galaxies blooming from nothing - pink and purple suns, vast silver oceans, a thousand white moons."

Oh. Em. Motha. Effing. Gee.

Seriously?? She sees feels whole oceans and sees dancing ribbons AND whole galaxies from a poem? By the end of the damn book I had a headache from rolling my eyes so freaking hard at whatever feeling was slamming into Lena at the moment.

The pros for me were that it ended strong enough to hook me. I want to know what happens to Lena in the Wilds and if she ever finds her mom. I kind of hope that Alex is dead so I get away from the chick who sees stars all the time - but I know he isn't. I'm not that lucky. Bella Swan didn't die when I wanted her to, either.

Writer's Block

I didn't want my blog to feel lonely. But - I can't come up with a single clever thing to say. So here it sits.

Is it called writer's block if you aren't really a writer?

The thing that I like writing about the most is books...I am debating just turning it into a book blog. That would take away my ranting capability though. I do love a good rant.

Argh. I'm around. I'm just not funny or clever at the moment. I'll keep you posted.

Fix the Damn Roads!

I have started walking in my quest to lose weight (10 pounds down!).

I just have one small request from the city of Salina, KS-  please take care of the DAMN ROADS.

I have yet to find a route that has a sidewalk that is passable by stroller, and the asphalt doesn't rattle Pants' teeth out. I really don't want to have to load up my stroller and everything a drive somewhere else to walk. I live in a nice neighborhood - I don't see why I can't just head out of my front door.

I have really been wanting a jogging stroller for the limestone path they have here - but I think I am going to need one just to make sure that Pants doesn't get shaken baby syndrome.

Gotta Learn Somehow

We have been trying to let the teeny man feed himself more....it is going swell.

See?

Awesome.

Divergent

My latest book is Divergent by Veronica Roth.

(Spoilers!)

This is the book about Beatrice (Tris) Prior and begins with her "Choosing Ceremony". Tris lives sometime way in the future where society has broken down - and as a result society has broken into 5 "factions". Each faction believes one bad personality trait is the reason for all the problems in the world. They split into factions where they focus on what virtue they believe is the most important - some value honesty, some selflessness, some knowledge - and so forth.

When children hit 16 - they go through an aptitude test which tells them which faction they are most likely compatible with. They they can choose from any of the five factions - they do not have to choose which one the test told them.

Tris is from Abnegation, the faction that values selflessness. Everyone is equal, there are no mirrors, no crazy clothes, no jewelry. They all wear their hair the same way - and remind me of the Amish when they are described. Tris never really fits in there- she has a hard time fitting in there. During Tris's aptitude test- something strange happens.  Her test results are inconclusive. She is not a perfect fit for any faction. The person administering the test erases her results - manually imputing results. She tells Tris she is "Divergent" and she should never, ever tell anyone. It's dangerous. Tris does not understand this - but abides.

At the choosing ceremony - Tris chooses the faction Dauntless. The Dauntless value bravery. Tris is put through initiation, where she learns how to fight and shoot. She learns how to conquer fear - and she begins to have feelings for the mysterious instructor, Four. During training - she begins to feel like the Dauntless are more violent and barbaric than brave and others feel the same. Due to her divergent status - Tris excels at some of the tests - and ends up being first in her class. The leaders of Dauntless say that due to new tensions between factions they have to begin tracking all of their constituents. They are implanted with tracking chips - which end up being some sort of mind control chip.

One of the other factions - Erudite - has teamed up with Dauntless to overthrow Abnegation- who run the government. The reason being divergent is dangerous is because the mind control does not work. Tris and her now boyfriend - another former Abnegation - are shocked as those around them begin killing. There is a lot of action at the end - which I will not spoil - and basically - the ones who survive Abnegation and Dauntless are now refugees who are in danger...dum dum dummmmmm.

This was a fun read. I have been reading a lot of YA dystopian fantasy lately. I enjoyed this more than my latest reads - like Uglies, The Lost Hero and the book I am working on now, Delirium. This felt more like The Hunger Games to me. It's dark, it's exciting. I feel like if you are going to write a dystopian novel - you should just go for it. Roth does. She makes bold choices- including an attempted murder/sexual assault. Boom.

I also was very pleased reading about the beginning of the relationship between Four (Tobias) and Tris. It took me back to when I was younger - and the confusion, the electricity - the does he or doesn't he? There were even a couple scenes that were bordering on hot - straddling Four in a train with doors open and hands all over. Whoo! I had to remind myself that I was reading about teenagers, and then I felt a little dirty.

The only problem I really had with this book isn't even the books fault. I have been reading so much of this genre lately that they are all starting to sound alike. There is always a ceremony around the 16th birthday, then there is personal angst and standing up against the man, then there is a love interest, then it ends with a huge looming problem.  Divergent does it REALLY well - one of the best I have read so far - but its still familiar.

I don't really care though - I will still read Insurgent before I read any of the other sequels.

  

I Would Like You To Meet The Newest Member of Our Family

I have a new baby - would you like to see her?

Gorgeous right? Here is her face....

Faces don't get much better than that. She isn't just pretty - she is helpful too - look what she does to chicken!

Shreds it right up! Then there is my first batch of muffins I have ever made - 

They tasted at least as good as they looked. She rocks. 

We haven't settled on a name yet, everyone I come up with just doesn't seem fitting. I'll let you know when we settle on one. 

Subtlety is Not Her Strong Point

I'm an atheist. I don't believe in a higher power or of life after death.

What I DO believe in is the inherent good in people. I believe that you get back what you put out - and my goal in life is to make my little corner of this world a little better than when I left it. I believe in kindness, wit, intelligence and that I have the cutest baby in the world. I try very hard to be a good person. Which is enough for most people in my life - except my mother in law. Christine.

Christine has said that she doesn't care that we aren't Catholic (even though that would be the best), but she does think that we need to go to church. Any church. There are lots of prayers thrown in my direction.

I would like to say that I am not one of those angry atheists who hates religion. I don't - I understand the place that faith can have in peoples lives. I understand that it gives direction, helps with the fear of death and the unknown, and helps those who are going through difficult times have something to hold on to. I would never, EVER begrudge the right of anyone to believe what they want. I just ask that the same respect is shown to me.

Anyway - apparently all the "subtle" hints - you know like flat out saying she thinks we need to go to church more - aren't working (duh!). So she has decided to ramp up her attempts.

This was the gift I received for Mother's Day:

Fan-fucking-tas-tic. 

While I don't have an issue with someone being a person of religion - I do have a take serious umbrage with it being shoved down my throat. Here are some of my favorite passages from this little treat...

"I stared at my newborn son, dear God, and watched him eagerly nursing. I delighted in that tiny bundle of love, and it brought great joy to see him grow - to know I'd had a part in that miracle. Father, let me desire Your Word just as my son delighted in that milk. Let it nourish and sustain me and bring continued growth."

Um - Ew. I don't know why that parallel had to be drawn - because I'm pretty sure those two ideas have nothing to do with each other. Thinking of a grown woman sucking on a big of teat of God doesn't make me want to run out there and join on in. I do understand the delighting in knowledge thing, I love books and all that, but I am not sure what nursing has to do with it. Ew. 

"Showing hospitality is a part of Your perfect will, but it isn't easy. It's not that I don't want people here. It's just that sometimes I fall behind in my domestic duties, and I'd be embarrassed for anyone to come. Please give me the organizational skills I need to care for my family, clean up after them, and still have a home I am willing to share with others."

First - the feminist me gets all "Oh, hellz no" when we act like its a woman's duty to be the housemaid. I am a stay-at-home-mom - so it's really my job -so I should probably just breeze right on past that. Consider it breezed. What I find is really funny is that the answer isn't just "Get off your ass and do the dishes." It's PRAY and then god will MAKE you get off your ass and do the dishes. So he just a middle man? And whatever happened to free will? 

Plus, sometimes I just don't want people over to my house. It's that simple. 

"I try doctors and medication. I try whatever this article or that relative suggests, but real healing comes only when I turn my condition over to You. You just want me to pray. When I pray for my child who is out late, I don't worry. When I pray that my family will escape the virus, I dole out the best immunity. When I release my problems to You, You answer prayers."

This one actually really pisses me off. So - what - a woman who doesn't believe on god who has something terrible happen to her kid could have prevented it if she prayed? Or what if she is devout and prays and prays and prays and the kid doesn't make it anyway? Did she not pray hard enough. It places the guilt on the people instead of whatever is actually going on. Kid sick? - hate the disease. Teen out late? - get the teen in trouble. I hate that in religion - every thing good that happens is given to god - but all the bad things are us.

"Are my affections improper, dear Jesus? Am I too committed to the things of this world - my job, my children, my hobbies? Oh, I know these things have their proper place, but they should come after my love for You. Please make them clear to me and help me to eliminate them, for I want Your love in me."

Did I read that right? Eliminate the children? 

Alright - one more - 

"We've been praying hard for one of our friends to receive You, Lord. We share the Gospel with her, and week after week the children invite her to church. She's just so afraid of what she'll have to give up if she accepts You. Oh Lord, help her to see what she will gain if she does allow You to live within her. Open her eyes so that she'll understand that living with You truly is life."

If I had :"friends" who were always shoving the gospel down my throat and had their children badger me about church week after week - we would not be friends anymore. 

Did you hear that Christine? 

Back off. 

Happy Mother's Day!

To all of you!

My husband is currently asleep with his hand down his pants - so happy mother's day to me. 

I'm kidding - I have actually had a wonderful day - I got sleep in, I got flowers and chocolate and some hand drawn pictures done by Pants. I then got to take a long bath and TJ is making me some steak, corn on the cob - and I'm making Twice Baked Potatoes this evening for dinner. I don't have to wipe poop, do a dish, or prepare a meal. Rock on! 

Hope all the moms out there have whatever their version of their perfect Mother's Day is! 

The Well Of Ascension

Er. Mah. Gerd.

Beware - I'm about to go all dorky fan-girl on your asses.

I just finished The Well of Ascension by Brandon Sanderson. Every book that I read by him I like more and more.

(Spoilers!)

This is the sequel to Mistborn. Kelsier's friends have successfully overthrown the Lord Ruler - and they are not trying to rebuild a free and equal society without him. Elend Venture is the King, his lover -and the most powerful mistborn alive - Vin - and their crew.

Their little utopia of Luthadel is about to be attacked, while not one but THREE armies march to their doorstep.  Straff, Cett, and Jastes all want to take over Luthadel, enslave the skaa again, and have all the riches that they are sure are there. What they don't know is that Luthadel is broke. The citizens are starving inside of it, and there is no atium. Elend and his crew decide to bluff, playing the waiting armies against each other to buy time and try to figure out a way out of the stand-off.

Time runs out with Elend is ousted from the thrown - the democracy that he had set up turning against him. The mists are starting to act violently, and the wanna-be kings are sending assassins almost as fast as Vin can kill them. Sazed, the Terrisman who has abandoned his people to help the crew, discovered a document that tells of the first coming of the Hero of the Ages.  Sazed begins to believe that since they over-threw the Lord Ruler, whatever power he was using over the mists has gone away. He thinks that Vin may be the new hero. Vin has been coming to that conclusion on her own.

Vin manages to figure out where the Well of Ascension is - and goes to do as the prophecy foretells. She must take the power and then release it. On the way to the well Elend is injured and is dying. Sazed discovered a missing passage that makes him realize that if Vin succeeds in setting the power of the Well of Ascension free - the Deepness will be set free - not defeated. He tries to reach her in time - but he is too late. Vin sets free the power in spite of Elend's injury, and realizes at once what she has done. She finds the elusive 13th metal - gives it to Elend - and he becomes a mistborn - and is able to heal himself with pewter.

The book ends with Sazed feeling broken and betrayed, and Vin and Elend terrified of what they have set free on the world.

I can't WAIT for the next book.

When I think back about the 600 pages I read - I realize that not much actually happened. It is mostly just a waiting game - with a few mistborn fights thrown in there. The only real action is in the last 80 pages...but I was still riveted. It is a lot of theological and political discussions and posturing - but it is still fascinating.

The first couple books that I read by Sanderson, I really liked, but I could tell that he was just getting started. His characters were either all good or all bad. His magic systems are ah-MAY-zing - and he is obviously endlessly creative - but he didn't have as easy of a time making the people as he did making the story.

The Well of Ascension is his third book - and I really feel like he has hit his stride. He manages to make his characters real and flawed. I just wanted to scream at and shake Elend and Vin until the freaking TALKED to each other. It was frustrating and perfect.

I didn't understand Zane. He was interesting, crazy, damaged and thought that God spoke to him. Then he just died. I was confused and didn't think that he was utilized to his full potential. I know the whole point of him was to make Vin have her epiphany that she did actually want Elend and that life and then to defend that choice...but still. I didn't understand who God was and why it told him he wasn't crazy as he was dying...I felt his story was a little under-done. Same with Straff - Sanderson went through all this trouble to find out that Zane's lover had been getting him hooked to this drug, and he managed to save himself and was dealing with the effects of this weed on his body - and then - boom....he is dead. It seemed like a lot of work to just end. I felt like Sanderson had a few ideas of what could happen with certain people - and he chose later in the book. The endings didn't necessarily match up with the rest of it for me.

My complaints are nothing compared to my compliments. I love the magic - I love that there are still things that we don't understand and we get to learn it with the characters. I adore Sazed. Actually - I am a big fan of the whole Terris society. I love getting to know all of the characters deeper. It is smart, its funny, its deep - its fantastic.

Here is the fan-girl in me. I don't think there is much that Sanderson does wrong. He is young and seeming brilliant. In this series he just continues to build on the magic and the characters - taking us deeper and deeper into their world.  I love the theological aspects of his book - I love that he is a Mormon but writes from an atheist/agnostic point of view. His personal beliefs don't creep in at all. He is SO YOUNG and already has an incredible amount of work to his name - his books are all amazingly different - and then he was chosen to finish Robert Jordan's epic series- Wheel of Time. I haven't read what he did there yet- I am still pretty early in that series- but still - he was like 30 when he was chosen.

I have read other reviews of some of his books - where people are not huge fans. They make valid points and with most authors I would probably agree. However, when I get attached to a writer- I tend to love everything they do and defend them to the end. Like J.K Rowling. I don't care at all that her newest book is supposed to be boring as hell. She gave me Harry Potter- so I love her! Sanderson is about to be added to my little club.  When I read a poor review of his on-line I immediately get indignant. That is how I know I love him. I also checked out his web-site. I never do that.

I'm such a nerd.

Really? Epic? Are You Sure?

Have you seen those new commercials for Quaker Oats? They are fine - they do some cute kids running around doing cute things - and then it ends with the statement: "Today is going to be epic."

This commercial bugs the shit out of me. Epic. So I googled "Quaker Oats Epic" and found that this ad campaign that Quaker Oats is doing is to "celebrate life's everyday, epic adventures."

Oxymoron, much?

Just in case you don't have a dictionary handy - here is the definition of epic:

1. of, relating to, or having the characteristic of an epic
2. a. extending beyond the usual or ordinary especially in size or scope
    b. heroic

And here are epic's epic synonyms:

gallant, glorious, grandiose, heroic, magnificent, majestic, monumental, noble, proud, regal, royal, splendid, stately.

True - I have no idea what happens at your house - but here I have done some dishes, paid bills, changed three diapers (one poopy), wiped the dogs' muddy feet, and ate Frosted Flakes. Any of that sound epic? I also plan on doing some dusting, fold laundry, figure out dinner and finish this post. Again - not epic.

I don't understand the need to make every single day seem extraordinary. It makes me feel like I am maybe missing out on something - but then I look at my friends and family and they don't have "epic" things happening every day. I don't understand why we can't just call a spade a spade. Day to day life is dull, boring, and it sucks sometimes. There are not magnificent, monumental things that happen all the time. I think we need to have realistic expectations so that we don't miss the little things. We need to take comfort in the day to day - because that is where we will spend most of our lives. The highlight of my week is Pants learning how to say "ball." And I am good with that.

If I go the gallant and heroic route of epic - I can't think of a single thing in the life that fits there. If I do the splendid and magnificent route - I have TJ and Pants. But that's about it.

Oh - and Harry Potter.

Gunky Eyelashes

We seriously can't catch a break.

The library has a baby story time twice a week. Pants loves it. Babies crawling everywhere, a fun yellow duck puppet, and other moms to talk to.

We have not gone since January. First we were sick. Then we picked back up a morning nap. Now we finally are napping later again and the last two weeks he has had a snotty nose and today a gunky eye. Its not majorly gunky - it was kinda gross when we woke up - but after I wiped it up, it just looks a little red.

He probably picked it up at the damn library anyway. We were there last night playing.

I can't decide. Go or not go. Go or not go?

It doesn't look that bad...I think we are going to go.

(Dodges all the pitchforks being thrown at me.)

We are off to see yellow duck.

This is Awkward...But I Don't Babysit.

We have a couple friends that we have made through TJ's work. I really like them, they are fun and I have had a really good time whenever we have spent time together. They have young children also, so its nice that we are in the same "phase" of life. The wife, Tina, works while I stay home, so I don't get to spend as much time with her as I would like.

We have struck up a deal where we will watch their kids for them when they have plans, and they will watch Pants when we have plans. It works out wonderful - the kids have playmates and we don't have to pay baby-sitters. It is a neat little arrangement...

Until last week. TJ came home from work and said that Tina and Josh's daycare was going to be closed for a couple days this week and asked if I would be interested in watching their kids for a couple days.

"Nope." I didn't even pause to think.

"Seriously?" TJ asked "It is like two days, they would pay you, and Pants would have friends to play with."

"Yeah. No."

"Well - what am I supposed to tell them??"

"Say you are sorry, but I am not interested."

I'm not. Here's the thing - and it makes me a bad person- I realize this - but I don't really care for kids. Other than mine. I adore mine - like can't get enough of him. Other people's kids though - I am just uncomfortable. I don't dislike them or anything, but I am just awkward. I don't know how to talk to them. I feel weird if I am in a position to have to discipline. The thought of being in charge of multiple meals, naps, and 7-8 hours of just me and two kids who are not mine just scares the hell out of me.

I told TJ this - and he looked at me like I had three heads. "What about Rhea's kids?" Rhea is TJ's sister. Nope- not even them. I spend lots and lots of time with them - and I love them - but I have no desire to spend an extended period of time alone with them. I have a friend - Marie - whose daughters I really do like - so TJ asked "Marie?". Still no. He was just shocked. 

I'm not even sure how to put it into words. I had to be talked into having kids. Now, of course, I can't imagine my life without him - and would love one more. Adoring my kid, however, doesn't change how I feel about the other children in the world. I would like to be on a polite - but once removed - relationship with them. I am seriously terrified at the thought of Pants being 6 or 7 and wanting to bring friends home from school. I should become a hoarder or something so Pants won't want to bring friends home at all. Yeah- that could work. Or a nudist. Whatever. I have a little time to figure that out.

I can only hope that by the time I have a 6 year old - I will be more comfortable around 6 year olds. I am guessing that is one of things about being a mom I am just going have to suck it up and do it. I will not cross that bridge, though, until I absolutely have to.

A Clash of Kings

Phew. Finally finished A Clash of Kings by George R.R. Martin. It took me 11 days to read this book, which for me is a long freaking time.

As much as I really enjoy these books, and I do, I have a hard time just sitting down and enjoying a book like this. Its dry, its heavy, it has about 5 million things and people running around to keep straight. Not to mention the banners - ugh- the banners. How I am supposed to keep track of all of the colors and ensigns without a freaking chart is beyond me. I feels my eyes cross during the descriptions of who is where and against who.

I am not even going to try to give a synopsis of this book. Its huge, and there is so much going on that it would take forever. Suffice it to say that the Seven Kingdoms are in shambles, four men have claimed the crown - and the rest is basically a big game of Risk with everyone jockeying for men and position and trying to claim what they think is theirs. Oh - and Daenerys has the three dragons over the ocean and is trying to plot her own little way back over to the seven kingdoms to avenge the "theft" of the crown from her family.

I really like the books. I love the sweeping worlds, the history, the long lineages, and just the depth and completeness of the world. Plus, its long enough that you can get lost in the world for a while. I am also very intrigued by the supernatural and magic that is slowly coming to the forefront. Martin did this just brilliantly, slowly letting us discover it as the individuals around the Seven Kingdoms do. I can't wait to see how it ratchets up in the next book.

I love epic fantasies- I enjoy having characters and stories that I REALLY get to know. I have a hard time with stand alone novels for that reason. I just don't feel like I get enough time with the people in those books. The flip side there is that I go through some serious mourning when a series is over. But I figure its better to have loved and lost, right?

My only foibles here are how dry it is and the teeny mundane details.

Oh - and how much I hate the Lannisters - especially Cersei and Joffrey. I wish miserably slow and painful deaths on them.

Here is my theory on authors like Tolkien and Martin. They are just brilliant, they come up with this whole world and this whole story. They know their worlds down to the smallest creature, the farthest tree- the most insignificant village person - and they get so excited to share that whole world, and make sure that nothing gets left out - that they just lay it all on you. And it gets heavy. Its hard to breathe under the weight of it all - and even though you like it - you can't stay there for too long. Then there are authors like Robert Jordan, Brandon Sanderson, Neil Gaiman, and Rick Riordan - who have the worlds - but give you the info as you need it. I prefer the second method. I understand and can appreciate the first but I have more fun reading the second. I need breaks after a Martin book. I could read Sanderson forever.

I just need a little rest - and I will ready for A Storm of Swords. Bring it on.

Winter is coming.

Evil Nurse Lady

Pants had his 15 month check-up this morning. Which is sailed through with flying colors. The doctor confirmed what we already knew - that Pants is perfect and gifted! I'm kidding - but she said he looked great...and he only threw a medium sized fit when it was time for her to do the poking and prodding.

Then the Evil Nurse Lady walks in. She brings her nasty vaccines...three nasty vaccines. Poor Pants. I was just really happy TJ was there so that he got to do the mean holding down and I didn't have to do it. Pants screamed and cried of course - the big fat tears that break my heart. When the shots were over, TJ cuddled Pants to his chest - where Pants proceed to curse out the Evil Nurse Lady.

Not even kidding. His voice was stern and he was spitting out what I am sure was the worst language he knew. She apologized and as she opened the door to leave the room Pants got silent and glared at her. He stared her down until the door shut - then he got sad and cuddly again. It was like he was not going to let the Evil Nurse Lady know that she had hurt and scared him. He pulled his tough baby act. TJ and I had a really hard time not laughing while he was obviously so upset.

The good news is that we don't have to see Evil Nurse Lady for three months. She will return though - nasty vaccines and all.

I Hate Facebook

I do. I hate it.

I hate that people think every thought that flits through their head needs to be heard. I hate that it makes everyone feel they are entitled to every little detail of your life. I hate the fake bragging notion of it. As much as I don't like all of that...you know what I really hate?

Finding out about health crises on Facebook.

I found out today about a family member with cancer. Which is horrible and scary and I feel absolutely horrible for her. I feel for her children. I hope for a speedy and complete recovery.

But here is the thing - if I don't participate in this big outpouring of support on Facebook - I look like an asshole. My family, however, was not important enough to let us know about their struggle before the random people that you went to high school with and the co-workers you don't like.

And the thing that really grates me is this the SECOND time I have found out about cancer on Facebook.

Here is the deal - Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, shit even text messaging - lets us all be all show and no go. It is all about the APPEARANCE of a close relationship or support, without having to actually back any of that up. We know crazy details about everyone - but never have to actually interact with them.

I also have to wonder - now - at the beginning, they feel like putting this on Facebook. But what happens after a surgery doesn't go well? Or chemo makes you feel like death? Or your hair falls out? Or you just get tired and you don't want to talk about it? Now - everyone knows. And not just the people who care about you and are close to you and who you are fine with them seeing you at your worst. Nope - its everyone. So you have to worry about how you come off - when you should just be trying to heal. Then if you decide to take a step back - people are angry because they feel like they DESERVE to know what is going on with you. Because you put all that info out there.

I wish dignity and privacy were still protected. People are so quick to give it all up - and it is next to impossible to get back.

So, if you are my Facebook friend - and I get sick - and you don't find out about it. Trust me - its not about you. I won't be thinking about you at all.

Hope you understand.

I'm A Fatty

I started a diet today. 

It is a forever diet. It's so that I can set a positive example for my son - and to be healthy for him. And proud of myself. I supposed I should say "life-style change" but that sounds lame so I won't. 

I am the biggest I have ever been. That sucks. I couldn't believe what I stepped on the scale and it read 199. I wasn't even that big when I was pregnant. That sucks. 

I wasn't supposed to start my diet until tomorrow - but I was too scared that I was going to step on the scale and it would say 200 - and I can't ever have that happen. I can't ever weigh that much. 

So - here we go. My posts might get meaner- because I am nasty when I'm hungry. My friend Ann says that I am pretty funny when I am cranky... so hopefully my blog will improve!! 

You want to know what sucks the most out of any of this? I weigh more than my husband. ARGH!! That blows!

Alright. Lets do this. 

The Fault In Our Stars

Are you ready for another book? Too bad - you don't get a choice. My latest book is The Fault In Our Stars by John Green.

(Spoilers!) 

This book has been hyped all over the place. That is usually a bad thing for me - it means that I will have very, very large expectations and then be disappointed. I was sure this was what I was in store for when I read the author's note:

"This is not so much an author's note as an author's reminder of what was printed in small type a few pages ago: This book is a work of fiction. I made it up.

Neither novels nor their readers benefit from attempts to divine whether any facts hid inside a story.  Such efforts attack the very idea that made-up stories can matter, which is sort of the foundational assumption of our species. 

I appreciate your cooperation in this matter."

Well. OK, then. 

I called TJ into the room to read this to him. I told him that I either loved this guy - or he was the biggest, most pretentious douche-face that I have ever read anything written by. I think I was right on both accounts. 

Super quick synopsis - Hazel has incurable cancer. She is going to die. However - no one really knows when since this miracle drug has stopped her mets in her lungs from growing. She is on borrowed time, and she knows it. Her parents are convinced she is depressed and needs to talk to someone and send her to this support group for teens with cancer in the basement of a church. 

She meets Augustus Waters. Augustus is in remission - and they strike up a friendship which quickly turns to much more while they deal with health scares from Hazel and their friends. One friend - Isaac - loses both of his eyes in his battle with cancer. Hazel is scared to get too close to Gus - because she is dying, but they keep a very close friendship. They bond over books - and Gus even uses his wish from a sort of make-a-wish place to take Hazel to the Netherlands to meet her favorite author, Peter Van Houten. Van Houten ends up being a sick, nasty drunk - who has had a child die from cancer and is not a believer in hope. 

In Amsterdam - we learn that Gus's cancer has returned, and he is dying. The end of the book is about the end of Gus. 

So. Freaking. Sad. 

I remember when I decided I really liked this book, when Hazel strikes down the "you have to have suffering to know joy" argument by pointing out that the existence of broccoli does not affect the taste of chocolate. I am totally stealing that in the future. Hazel's insight is genius. Living while dying has allowed her to have this kind of clarity that is refreshing. She is clear and direct without being mean and nasty - sometimes harsh - but the world is harsh. Cancer is harsh. 

I loved Gus too. I was surprised how much I liked him - because I usually have a hard time with characters who are TOO good. Gus is TOO good. He is perfect, he knows what to say, when to say it. He is strong, funny, sweet and kind - and I adore him. I physically felt calmer when I was reading about Gus, so I can only imagine how Hazel felt around him. 

The end of Gus is miserable. It is horrible to read about him peeing in his bed and getting stuck at a gas station, covered in his own vomit. As he shrinks, his presence shrinks - even in the telling. He feels smaller, and the end of this book is empty. I felt hollow - like everyone else in the book must be feeling. 

There were parts of the book I did not like. I didn't like the Anne Frank tour, with people standing around in a circle watching Gus and Hazel make out and cheering. Kaitlyn, Hazel's high school friend, is odd and just stuck in there a couple places. I understand she was supposed to show us how disconnected Hazel was - but it either did too good of a job or not good enough. 

Here is the thing. I don't think I like John Greene. What I am about to say is based on nothing other than the reading of this book. I have never read another thing written by him or about him. I get the impression that Mr. Green fancies himself as the smartest, most creative, deepest thinker on the block. He is right, of course. He is brilliant. He has creativity upon creativity. The guy wrote a book inside of a book for cripes sake. I was pretty sure when I was reading that An Imperial Affliction was not a real book. A quick trip to google confirmed my suspicions. I know all of this. I read his book. But come one dude, you don't have to point out all the freaking time that you are the only one that understands what these kids go through in "weird and impossible ways." There are times when he captures a feeling just perfectly - balancing it magically where you feel it but you can't explain. Then there are times when he gets to that moment - but being the only person who could ever understand - he has to explain it to us. Those moments feel condescending - not magical. 

The only reason this book doesn't get added to my "Love this book beyond words, will get added to those that I read over and over and over" list is John Green. My message to him: Mr. Green. You are as amazing as I think you think you are. Please get out of your own way - because I could love you. If I could get past hating you. Thanks. 

I Try Not To Judge...

But I do. Often.

I don't think I ever judged as hard as I did in the grocery store the other day. There was a woman there with two children, they were probably 4 and around Pant's age - so about a year and a half or so.

We were in that awkward thing where you are going down the same aisles but in different directions..so it starts with a small smile and nod and by the end you are practically best buddies. Only this lady and I were NOT ending up as friends.

Her children were being kids - and towards the end of our trip her baby was getting fussy. Instead of being a normal mom who wrapped up her trip quick or getting her kid a toy so she would calm down - she starts snapping at the baby to sit down and shut up. Nice.

I skipped an aisle or so to get away from them - because it was officially awkward - and from the next aisle I hear "Sit down. SIT YOUR BUTT DOWN!" and then a baby screaming. I round the corner to their aisle just in time to see the mother snatch up the baby and tell her to shut up again. The baby smacked the mother - which I don't really blame her, I would have slapper her too - and she said to her TODDLER -

"Do it. Lay another hand on me and I will beat your ass."

Nice.

It makes me wonder what she does to that poor kid at home if that is how she behaves in public. Ugh. I really wanted to march up to her and say "You treat your kid like that again and I'll beat YOUR ass." I had Pants with me though, and she was like 3 times me size. She would have killed me.

I don't understand how people 1. act like that in a public place and 2. act like that period. I don't understand what breaks in a person's brain to make them think it is ever OK to talk to a child like that. Then this woman is going to be shocked when her daughters are always in trouble in school for threatening other children. She just will not understand where they got it. Idiot.

Plus - even when Pants is working the last nerve - I look at that cute bottom lip poking out and I am done. Or he does the really cute foot stomping thing...that cracks me up.

I know I am not the best mom in the world. I think I'm the best mom for my child- but there are definitely more creative and do more in a day. Putting myself next to a woman like that though, makes me feel pretty darn good.

Welp - I got to go. I think I ruined some white chocolate raspberry bars and I need to make sure.

Yup. Ruined.

They taste rocking though. And I have enough stuff to make another batch.

This is why I'm fat.

That is a whole 'nother post.

You Have GOT To Be Kidding Me

What in the fresh hell is this bullshit?

Hey - weather? Its April 23rd. APRIL 23RD!!!!

Get it together.

Thanks.

Gotta Have My Pops

When it goes silent and there is a 15 month old in the house....nothing good is happening.

That is an entire bag of corn pops. I found Pants and the dachshunds chowing down as fast as possible. When I asked what was going on - the dogs froze waiting to be in trouble - and Pants offered me a pop. The bag was a new bag and had never been opened...the tenacity of a toddler is a terrifying thing.

I also noticed in this picture that a bunch of my tupperware from a different cabinet is there also. And a cupcake pan from under the stove. Busy boy.

Uglies

My latest book is Uglies by Scott Westerfeld.

(Again - Spoilers!)

Uglies is the story of America in the future. The powers that be have decided that past generations ruined their world with their stupid, petty, jealous minds. They decided to take care of all those problems - by taking sixteen year olds and giving them an operation that makes them gorgeous. When everyone looks the same and has the same opportunity - there is no fighting. They all renewable resources, all the power and food they want, they don't have to worry about money, the New Pretties party all night - life is great!

Tally can't wait to be pretty - because her best friend turned and left her behind. She meets another Ugly when she sneaks into New Pretty Town to see her best friend. Shay, her new friend, tells her of another place where people do not have the operation and stay ugly for life. Tally doesn't believe her and does not understand why someone would ever chose that life.

Then Shay disappears. All she left behind was a cryptic note to the Smoke, the hidden village where the forever-Uglies are hiding. Tally is kidnapped by the Specials - the people who run the City, and is blackmailed with her surgery to go to the Smoke, lead the Specials there - and they she can be pretty.

Tally does it - and while at the Smoke she sees how happy people are, how connected they still seem, she falls in love with David - who has never lived in a city at all. David's parents were doctors who used to perform the surgeries to change people to pretty and they discovered that during the operations - the Specials did something to the brain that caused lesions and pliability. That is why Pretties are happy.

The Specials find the Smoke, capturing the inhabitants, turning Shay pretty. Tally and David manage to break the others out - and David's mother thinks she found a cure for the lesions in Shay's brain. Shay will not consent to taking the medication, so Tally gets herself captured to be turned Pretty so she can try the cure.

This is a great book. As a woman, it made me feel a lot of things. I do know how to feels to look in a mirror and not be pleased at what I see. I do know how it is to be TOLD what is pretty. We are inundated all day with images of those who are gorgeous. I have felt jealous. I have wished that I was thinner and prettier. Never enough to go through plastic surgery or anything - but enough to allow the fleeting thought.

The message is wonderful. The message to embrace individuality, freedom, hard work, and critical thought. It talks about the value of our things, to make sure that we don't view our surroundings as disposable, and that we have to work for the things that are really important to us.

This book is a young adult book - and since my last book was YA also, I was more prepared for this writing. I was ready for it to be linear and simple. I didn't mind near as much in this book, the message and the society that was built was interesting enough to overlook the simpleness. I had a good time reading this - I am rooting for the characters, and I can't wait to find out what happens next. I hope Tally can handle being pretty.

Bruises Like A Peach

How many bruises have to be on your baby's head before people judge you in public?

Answer: 3.

Pants has more confidence than skill when it comes to his running and climbing skills than he has actual skill. Bonks and bumps are, sadly, a very common occurrence. Two incidents this week caused three bruises that have me getting the side-eye when we are out and about. I want to yell - "He is a toddler folks!!" - but then realize that they were actually just looking at the sale on cheez-its and weren't looking at me at all.

I'm sure I got the side-eye a couple times though. Positive. Pretty sure. I think.

Does the Why Make a Difference?

I have nothing deep or important enough to say about the terrible, disgusting act of terrorism that occurred yesterday in Boston. Many people who are much more eloquent have said it better than I ever could.

There is only one thing that I was thinking about while watching the coverage. After hearing person after person ask "why" - I have to say - I don't give a shit why. There is not a single thing that I could hear that would make me say "Oh - shoot. You are right. I totally understand now. Please, continue."

Seriously? Does it matter why? Will knowing the insane logic that that sick and twisted individual used to kill and maim over one hundred people make the fear less? Will it make the pain less? No. It wont.

You can't rationalize an irrational act. You can't talk sense with the senseless. You will not get sanity from the mind of the insane.

I want to make sure that whoever did this will not be able to ever do it again. I want to find anyone who helped him and make sure they don't try to follow in his sick footsteps. I don't really want to know his name or his story - because that is obviously what he wants. I want him to rot alone in the dark for the rest of his days. That's it. Seems simple to me.

My heart goes out to all who were affected in any way. I'm thinking of all of you.

There is a Toenail in the Tub

I was bathing the dachshunds in my tub the other day - and Delano pulled his usual frantic "ESCAPE! THIS WATER IS ACTUALLY ACID AND IS BURNING ALL OF MY SKIN OFF! I'M DYYYIIINGGG!!!!" routine.

I wrapped him up in a towel and started drying, turned around the grab the shampoo from the tub and there was a toenail laying in the bottom of the tub. I believe my brain said "Ho-ly Shit." I began frantically checking dachshund toes - even though I was 99 percent sure that it was Delano - Bean doesn't act like a spaz like Delano does.

Sure enough - there is a toenail missing from one of Delano's back feet. Shit. Blood freaking everywhere. We call the vet - to see what we should do - and the lady at the vet office said they were just "slammed with emergencies." If we wanted Delano seen - it would be a while.

I worked as a vet-tech a couple years ago - so I asked if there was anything that I could do. She said that all that they would really do was stop the bleeding, remove any extra nail if he didn't get it all off, and that is it. If he wouldn't leave it alone - he would have to wear one of those lovely cones so he didn't bug it.

Well - I happen to have one of those crazy collars and blood doesn't scare me or anything - so I sat cross-legged on the deck, with a shaking dog on my lap until the bleeding slowed. We tried to bandage it twice, but he walked out of it - so that was shot. And he would not stop licking it - so he is wearing a beautiful cone on his head. Which he is terrified of.

Here is the thing about Delano. He is terrified of his own shadow. Too much attention makes him piddle. He hides under the bed or behind the couch a lot. He prefers for you to rub him with your feet - because hands are just too much attention. It took him months to figure out that glass was, in fact, solid. he is the sweetest damn dog, but not so bright.

Now our house is filled with the sounds of the cone bouncing off the walls, Delano yipping when he moves wrong, and Pants squealing happily chasing an impaired Delano around. Delano could just just hop up on the couch where he is safe - but he is scared - because of the cone - so he doesn't.

It is going to be a long couple of days for that poor dog.

My Name is Gentry and I Have a Problem

Last weekend Nook had a sale.

It was 50% off of every one of their 1,000 bestsellers. 

WHAT!?!?!?!

I started clicking so fast that it sounds like a woodpecker had gotten into some cocaine. 

Clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick. 

I thankfully came out of my craze before I spent every single cent I had. I spent 60 bucks in about .458 seconds on 15 books. 

I abstained for the 40 others that I wanted. 

My name is Gentry and I am a book-a-holic. 

The Lost Hero

Today's book is The Lost Hero by Rick Riordan. It is the first in The Heroes of Olympus series.

(Will probably have some spoilers.)

I have not read the Percy Jackson series. I probably should have - there are apparently many overlapping characters, whom it is just kind of assumed that you know. There is also the whole Greek and Roman mythology thing that I am not completely familiar with - it was just kind of assumed that you had read the previous series and would be well versed in the god/demi-god/greek/roman myths. It was not hard to catch up though.

This is the story of Jason Grace - who just wakes up one day on a bus on the way to a delinquent camp and has no idea who he is. He has a girl holding his hand and a guy talking his ear off - but no memories of who they are or how they got there. About 10 minutes after they arrive at this camp - they are attacked by storm spirits, or venti, and saved at the last minutes by Jason's skill from who knows where - and some kids from Camp Half-Blood. Camp Half-Blood is where children of Greek Gods and mortals go to learn to channel their powers.

Jason ends up being the son of Zeus (or the Roman Jupiter) and finds out that Hera (Juno) has been captured and they have to free her before Gaea brings all the evil things back from the underworld and destroys the Gods. His friends, Leo and Piper, end up being ridiculously powerful demi-gods themselves and end up helping Jason in his quest. They are challenged at every step, and of course - end of saving the day- for now.

We learn at the end that Percy Jackson was sent to the Roman camp that Jason was from, without his memory. They are supposed to bring both sides together for the ultimate battle coming up with Porphyrion - the King of Giants.

I liked this book. I thought it was fine. I think my main issue with it was that I am used to reading books toward an older audience. This story is just so linear - its so simple. You see what is coming a mile away - and even all the bad guys that they face are formulaic. Its see bad guy + realize how much more powerful they are - two demi-gods because they get hurt = one of the three rising amazingly to the occasion and saving them all at the last moment! Then! Just when you think its safe! Oh no! Repeat.

Except the last battle of course - they all have to work together - the parts are stronger than the whole and they win the day.

It was fine, pretty fun, easy to read. I am very intrigued as to how they will bring the two camps together - I think that has the most potential for me.  The rest will probably be like this story - predictable but fun. I'll read, and I'll be looking forward to when the little man is big enough to read them. I can see a boy around 8-10 would really like these stories.

Kicking, Screaming, Yelling and More Kicking

We did it - we survived our first public tantrum.

Pants is figuring his voice out. Most of the time - this is hilarious and wonderful. He talks constantly, he tells stories and jokes, which of course we can't understand. We can tell the difference though, because he chuckles after he tells a joke. He says "please" and "puppy". 

Now other times - it is ear-splitting. He has this high pitched screech. He yells, he bosses. If he says "please" which sounds a whole lot like peas - and you do not immediately hand over whatever it is that he asked for - he screams at you. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" he will say. Then he may add another "please" in there, you know, since he has your full undivided attention now. 

He is figuring out that his voice has power. He can make us do things - give him things. Pants is like any little tyrant though, and hates being told no. I don't like it either - but you don't see me screaming in the face of the lady at Sears because she won't let me have that boysenberry Kitchen-aide Mixer for 25 bucks. To be fair - I haven't tried it. I am pretty sure I am aware of the outcome there, though, 

This means that we are starting to throw fits now. Normally this is not a big deal, at home we can ignore the fit until he calms down. 

But when we are at a birthday party...

Hooo boy. 

Rolling around in the grass, kicking, screaming, yelling, more kicking. All the other parents watching. Holy shit that is embarrassing. We finally just scooped him up - stuck him in the car - and went home about an hour early. 

I got a glimpse of the future. It's a little scary. I see lots of leaving early in my future. 

Well, this sucks.

Warning - this is not a happy or funny post.

I was pregnant. For two days. And now I am not anymore.

TJ and I have been trying for another baby. Tuesday was my birthday and I thought it would be kind of neat if I found out that I was pregnant on my birthday. I took a test and I saw a line - it was soooo light that I was sure I was imagining it. So the next day I took a digital test - and sure enough - PREGNANT! We were thrilled.

And then today - I was feeling a little crampy - went to the bathroom - and blood. Lots of it. I am not pregnant. Anymore? After all? I don't even really know what to say there.

It is stupid. I should not be so sad. I should not be so upset. Technically this is the day that I was supposed to start my period. So if I wouldn't have taken a pregnancy test - I would have never known. It would have just been another month where we would say "Damn - better luck next month."

But I did take the test. For two days, I imagined another little Pants. I mentally moved furniture, decorated a nursery, wondered boy or girl, wondered how he was going to handle being a big brother, saw Pants and new baby playing together - basically all of the things that parents do when they know a baby is coming.

I'm sad. I'm really sad. I'm mad. I'm disappointed. I feel guilty - like I could have maybe done something different. I know, logically, that I wasn't truly pregnant. It is what they call a chemical pregnancy, where there probably was fertilization, but it never implanted and was never a truly viable pregnancy. I know it wasn't real. And I kind of wish that I would not have taken that test, and I would just be a little bummed.

I'll be fine. I am fine. Pants does a pretty good job at cheering me up - and gave me the sweetest little hug earlier.

Damn it. Better luck next month.

What the hell is wrong with my eggs?

I am not a religious person. 

At. All.

But I do have some nice Easter memories. My mom, my sister and I would sit any dye eggs for an afternoon. My mom is a KSU Wildcats freak, and she always wanted her purple egg to be pretty. She would stick her egg in the purple and leave it forever and ever. My sister and I were always to impatient and have really some pastel looking eggs at the end of the day. My mom would have a few vibrant, dark, just gorgeous eggs and Sister and I would solemnly vow that next year, we would be patient and have pretty eggs like Mom. Then we would repeat the process the next year. Good times. 

Well, I'm the mom now. So I decided to channel my mother and leave my eggs in for a long time and have all the pretty eggs. I carefully followed the instructions to make the dye - choosing vinegar since it promised the darkest eggs - and then carefully lowered my eggs in and let them sit forever. 

Holy crap. Am I ever disappointed. Here are my sad, sad eggs. 

What the hell man? I mean, the colors are ok - but they are splotchy with weird specks all over them. And the purple isn't even hardly purple - its blue and pink-ish. I was so sad! 

Ugly. 

I was actually kind of impressed that this one ended up look like a sun. It was absolutely not planned. 

I am not even sure how this is possible. Actually - yes I do. Aliens. The aliens did it. They are trying to tell me something. 

I called my mom to complain and ask her what the secret to the pretty eggs is. She told me that her eggs look like crap now, too. She says the dye is super cheap and they just look bad. 

Bummer. 

The Price of Being Honest

We took Pants to get his one year pictures taken a couple weeks ago (I know, I know, really late. Shut up.)

It was a very "eh" experience. The lady was pushy and odd - she talked a lot and seemed to have no sense of time. We were there for over two hours, which for a teeny man - is an eternity. Pants started in a sweater, t-shirt, jeans, socks, and dress shoes and ended up in just his jeans and t-shirt by the end of it. The people who were waiting for us to be finished acted like they wanted to kill us. We spent WAY too much money on the pictures - for a "package deal" of course. Saves money. Yeah.

The pictures turned out fantastic though, I have a cute freaking kid!

When we were getting ready to pay - we discovered the computers were down. We could not get my card to scan. The picture lady gave me the disc (with the rights to print) and asked me to come back and pay when my prints were delivered.

Well, she called and said my prints were in - and I ran right down to pick up my adorable pictures. Picture lady says "Oh my god, I am SO GLAD to see you. As soon as I let you out the doors with that disc I just knew I was never going to see you again. I am so relieved you came back. Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Then she talked my ear off for about half an hour while some poor pissed off baby and her increasingly pissed off parents waited for her to come back.

Then she gave me 50 bucks off and some extra prints! Woohoo! It pays to be honest!

Now - not to toot my own horn or anything, but I seriously, never for a moment, thought about not going back. It just was not something that I would have considered. Even if I wasn't crazy about the experience - I did get a service, she performed it, and I was going to pay for it. End of story.

As I left Sears, prints in hand, feeling really good about myself - I realized - that if I WOULD have been an asshole and just printed them off of my disc - I could have easily saved 100 bucks. Probably more. Damn. I would have hated myself every time I passed one of the pictures on my wall though. I supposed that is the price of being honest. (I'm kidding. I know it was the right thing - and I would do it again tomorrow if I had to.)

What I really want though is a really fancy new digital camera so that I don't have to pay other people to take these darn pictures. (Hey - husband. Take note. Five year anniversary this year. Just sayin. Love you.)

P.S - Its my birthday. I'm old.

I like strong women

While I was reading Gone Girl, I came across a sentence that made me terrified.

Amy says that when a man is dating a woman - and she is a strong woman - and the man says "I like strong women" - that he actually hates strong women and will cheat on you because you are too much work. 

I am a strong woman...probably obnoxiously so. I definitely have a voice that I exercise. Often. 

TJ tells me that he likes that I am a strong woman. 

Ruh-roh. 

Gone Girl

It's time for another book review!

(This will contain spoilers!)

Ho-ly shit.

It has been a while since I have read a thriller. I have been spending a lot of time in fantasy lately, and boy did I pick a hell of a book to wander back to thrillers with.

Here is a little run-down on the plot. Nick and Amy are two supremely screwed up people. They start in a happy marriage and little by little just seem to fall apart. After lay offs, family illnesses and financial difficulties - they hate each other.

Then Amy disappears on their fifth wedding anniversary - and it does not look good for Nick. He lies, he sneaks, he has a disposable cell phone, he thinks terrible things about his missing wife. He tries to undercut the police and work to find his wife - if only to cover his own ass. You want to feel sorry for him - but he is just such a jerk - and is so obviously hiding something - that you just can't. Then you find out that he is a cheater and you really don't like him.

In between Nick chapters we have excerpts from Amy's diaries. She is whiny, passive aggressive, manipulative, rude, and seems to think rather highly of herself. Her chapters feel odd.

Right when you are ready to lock Nick up - the script totally flips. Amy is alive - and a sociopath. She found out about Nick's affair and set up this huge, elaborate murder. She is gleefully watching him dangle in the wind. She is hateful, nasty, and seriously crazy. She has cut herself and even faked a pregnancy. Bitch be crazy! Amy is holed up in some rent by the week cabins in the Ozarks, gets robbed,  and has to plan her return - which she manages to do - by killing a man she claims kidnapped her.

She returns home where Nick hates her - she hates him and they commence in a power struggle. Amy ends up pregnant - AND THEY STAY TOGETHER.

The whole book is actually very complicated and detailed - this synopsis does not do it justice.

I have a love/hate relationship with this book.

I hate every single person in it. There is not a person that seems to have a redeeming quality. They are all nasty, self serving bastards who only do things that they feel will directly benefit them. Amy is absolutely, certifiably insane - she holds grudges and exacts terrible revenge on people she even thinks have slighted her. She fancies herself the smartest person alive - and when she was robbed - I was seriously cheering "Hell yeah! You stupid hooker!" I hate, hate, hate that they end up together. They are both so wrapped up in themselves and the game that they will not allow the other one a moment of peace - even if it makes themselves miserable.

I could seriously march to Carthage and kill them myself for bringing a baby into this mess.

But on the other hand, it is an enthralling story. I am usually very good at seeing what is coming next - and this book kept my guessing. I like that Gillian Flynn was not scared to keep these characters who they are - and not let them end up happily ever after - just apart. Or have one take the easy way out and actually kill the other. She lets them stay true to their sick, twisted lives. They love it, they hate it, they would not know how to be if they weren't in it. I can appreciate that.

This book was fantastic. I will absolutely be reading Gillian Flynn's other books as soon as I can. That chick is twisted - and I like it.

Yes, Sir, that smell is vomit.

Good news! I feel a lot better today. My husband took wonderful care of me, I slept about 16 hours - and I am about 70 percent back.

Terrible news- Pants has the full blown flu. He has a fever, he is vomiting, and is just a sad, sad baby.

This is the first real sickness we have had. We had an ear infection once - which we only guessed by ear touching and after the first dose of antibiotics that baby never looked back. Same with a bout of pink eye. He did get a pretty gnarly cold once - and that was about a week of a snot river with a sleepy baby.

This is different though. This is a sick kid. I don't think I have ever had anything break my heart like that little dude puking in his bowl and crying. It makes me feel helpless because he is hurting and scared and I cannot do a single thing to help him understand what is happening to him. While we were waiting on the meds to kick in he laid on the tile floor in the kitchen because he was so hot he didn't know where else to go. He was whimpering during his nap today - just this sad, teeny little noise. Ugh.

I can't say it out loud because it will cost me a dime - so I will say it here - FUCK YOU FLU! Fuck you hard - and sideways. Fuck you, you fucking fuck.

Phew. 50 cents saved.

I did notice some personal growth, however. There was nothing that would make me puke faster than someone else puking. Frat parties were the worst - when they got sloppy - I was done. I haven't felt queasy at all though. I am too busy feeling bad for the teeny dude to worry about me. Ahh- mommyhood.

Here is hoping that Pant's illness is over in about 24 hours like mine was. Fingers crossed.

(oh - and flu? Fuck you.)

Annnddd I'm sick

uuuuugggggghhhhhhhhhhh

That is me whining because I don't feel good.

I am sick and whiny.

The only bright side is that TJ took the day off of work and is being an amazing husband and taking care of Pants all day while I lay in bed and watch TV and drink water - while trying to find a way to swallow without it hurting. Turns out - there isn't one.

I have to admit - the relaxation and the break is nice. Too bad the headache and the sore throat are cutting into my mellow day.

uuuuuuuuuggggggghhhhhhhhh

I'll be back some other day when my head isn't so heavy and I am concentrate on being more clever.

Opportunity and Bob Marley

Pants is talking. All. The. Time.

He is a complete motormouth- and the thing that kills me more than anything is that I can only understand about 10 words! He tells me entire stories, complete with inflections, hand gestures, giggles where he told a joke - and I miss it all. I want nothing more than to know what goes on in that little head.

He will mimic sounds that we make - obviously - and sometimes he stumbles on a word.

For instance - the other day we were watching Sesame Street- and Elmo was telling us all about the word of the day "opportunity". As Elmo said opportunity over and over and over and over again, Pants sat enthralled. Pants then looks over at me and TJ and says clear as day: "Opportunity."

TJ and I squeal and clap - Pants claps - and then we spend the next 24 hours saying opportunity over and over and over and over. For nothing - apparently once Pants has mastered a word he never has to say it again. He is moved on to harder words, like onomatopoeia. Or it was a fluke. But I am pretty sure I have a genius baby.

Then, this weekend, we were visiting my parents. We were sitting in the kitchen and my dad was playing music on his computer. Pants was starting to dance and Grandpa asked Pants if he liked Bob Marley. Pants happily chirps "Bob Marley!". Cue four adults acting like idiots and trying to get him to repeat it. No luck - but we had witnesses this time - so no one can say that TJ and I made it up!

I can't wait for what he says next. I hope it is something really smart - and not McDonalds or something.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Time for another book chat! This time it is The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

Warning: will contain spoilers.

But really - who hasn't read these books or seen the movies.

Oh, right. Me. I am that much of a lame ass.

I have, of course, heard lots and lots of people quote these movies...so I had an idea of what I was getting into. I knew the answer to the universe was 42. I knew the dolphins were always from other planets and were trying to warn the humans the whole time. I knew the general premise. I knew people either really liked or really did not like the movie.

What I did not know was how freaking funny these books are.

Just in case you are like me and live under a rock - let me give you a run-down. Arthur Dent is a normal, kinda loser-ish human, living on earth. His best friend - Ford Prefect- isn't actually an out of work actor like he has led on - but in fact a writer for The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Ford had hitched a lift to Earth, and was planning on staying for a week but ended up being stranded for 15 years. He is not happy about this.

Ford finds out that earth is about to be destroyed and saves his best friend Arthur. The two of them together then trip along into the middle of a scheme by Zaphod Beeblebrox - who is the crazy President of the Galaxy and happens to be a distant cousin of Ford's. Zaphod has stolen the Heart of Gold - which runs on improbability power - and the discover a lost civilization - which had actually built Earth for the mice to run experiments on humans and to discover the meaning of life, the universe, and everything. The mice know the answer to the question is 42 - but experiment Earth was supposed to tell them what question 42 answered.

Unfortunately, Earth had been destroyed 5 minutes before the 10 million year experiment was completed, the mice do not want to start over - so they want Arthur's brain. The friend's manage to escape - the mice tell everyone the question is "How many roads must a man walk down?" and all is well. The travelers decide to get some food at the restaurant at the end of the universe - and its over.

I do not normally laugh out loud at books - but this book made me giggle - frequently. I love the excerpts from The Hitchhikers Guide. Ford and Arthur trying to compliment the Vogon poetry was hilarious. Marvin, the happy-door hating depressed robot, was awesome.

It was short- and the ending felt...open. I guess that is the right word. I know it is a series and these books were never meant to stand alone so I can look past the weird ending. I also think it needs to be kept short - funny is hard for long books.

I am very excited for The Restaurant at the End of the Universe. 

I know violence is not the answer...

...But whenever some kid repeatedly knocks my precious little Pants down for no reason - making him hit his head pretty hard one time - and the parent does nothing - I have a pretty serious urge to drop-kick jerk-face kid over and over so he sees how it feels.

I probably shouldn't be your first choice of babysitter.

I settled for dirty looks and talking to Pants very loudly about "mean kids whose parents don't pay enough attention." Didn't feel quite as good as drop-kicking - but I got my point across.

Ahhh - Men

TJ was incredibly sweet and went grocery shopping last night for me. I made a list for him. All was good.

TJ gets home and says "I had to improvise. Your list didn't have enough specifics."

Me: "What do you mean?"

TJ: "Well, you said sliced olives."

Me: "Yeah?"

TJ: "But, you didn't say how many to get. I had to guess. I guessed three."

Me: "Oh."

I had to choke on the couple sarcastic comments about how he survived before a shopping list and how sorry I was to make him think. I appreciate his help very much - and would not want to shoot that particular gift horse.

I always wonder after a conversation like this if I am prone to flying off the handle about the amount of black olives in my pantry. I will have to watch that from now on. Hmmmm.

Dearly Devoted Dexter

I love books. Really - LOVE books. I spent a large amount of my childhood wishing I was Belle from Beauty and the Beast, because of the library she got. I have never in my life been more jealous than when the Beast drew back those curtains and gifted Belle with thousands upon thousands of books. It is still my lifelong goal to have a house with a library. I have so many books that I require at least two bookshelves - probably 300-400 books. I love books.

I spend any "real" me time reading, and I would really like to have someone to talk to about the books I like. I haven't found a real life book-club that doesn't just read stupid, sappy love stories that make me want to puke. I found an on-line book club that I really like - but its slow. None of my friends read. Sooo...

I am going to talk about them here. Ha! Problem solved.

(Forewarning: this will definitely contain spoilers)

My latest book is Dearly Devoted Dexter, by Jeff Lindsay. This is the second book in his series about the blood-splatter analyst.

I will start by saying that I really like the Showtime series - and the books are absolutely nothing like the series.

This book is about Dexter as he tries to handle people who know what he is - a serial killer. Deb knows his secret, and Sargent Doakes has one of his own and seems to have an innate ability to sense it in others. Maybe all serial killers do - because Dexter's dark passenger seems to easily recognize another killer.

Doakes has Dexter backed into a corner - he has made it his mission to tail Dexter and catch him making a mistake - so Dexter is forced to wok on his disguise, a mild-mannered boyfriend to Rita. He discovers his love of beer, and his despise of the really boring day to day life of humans.

Dexter gets a break when a really sadistic fuck from Doake's days as an army hit-man comes back - completely dismembering his victims, shaving all the hair from their bodies, and cutting out their tongues...and then leaving them alive. And insane. An FBI agent comes to town, Deb falls in love with him - and he falls victim to Dr. Danco. Dexter frees the fed - Doakes gets kidnapped in the cross fire - Dexter gets caught trying to save him - and ta-da! Deb and the fed save Dexter just in time - but too late for Doakes - who loses his tongue and hands and now has to keep Dexter's secret for the rest of his life.

Oh yeah - Dexter accidentally proposes to Rita and finds out her son Cody is killing neighborhood pets.

I liked this book - didn't love it. It is short - so a lot has to happen in a really short span of time - which seems rushed a lot of the time. I know that Dexter is good - but to get everything right at the first guess is a little hard to believe. I was also frustrated that weeks of time would pass with nothing happening - and Dexter not able to get a hold of Deb - and then boom - she would reappear with more information. I know it was designed to keep me feeling frustrated with Dexter - since he doesn't understand basic human interactions. All it really did though, since I DO understand humans - was make me feel frustrated - I knew Deb was in love and getting laid - I didn't need to wait for Dexter to figure it out.

I also had a hard time with how O.K Deb is with knowing that Dexter is a serial killer. She just makes a couple small comments but seems to be fine with it. Especially as a detective who hunts and hates killers for a living, I don't really believe that Deb would just be like "Oh, cool - Dexter kills. But he is my brother. Its fine." Nope, not buying it.

I really enjoy how put upon Dexter gets when Deb or Rita needs help. I was cracking up during the scene where he rescues her Fed boyfriend, and Deb is calling over and over to try to get info, and he just can't understand why she is so worried about her now amputee boyfriend.  He is legitimately angry that she won't just let him go to sleep. It was really freaking funny.

All in all, I enjoyed the book, and I will for sure read the next one. I just hope he isn't afraid to go deeper- it isn't often that I feel like I know a character better on TV than I do in the book - but that is what is happening with this series so far. I hope that changes.

That Damn Obama

I am a Republican (gasp!)

It is largely for fiscal reasons. I am not a fan of big government, and I want to drink my 44 ounces of diet coke from Sonic without being judged. I want to be able to own a gun if I want. I am definitely not a fan of political correctness. I do, however, support gay marriage and am pro-choice.

To the point:

A couple that we are friends with invited us to dinner last night. We went, had a good time, ate some good food, and all was totally peachy until the topic of politics came up. Cue lots of eye rolling from me.

All of us at the get-together vote the same, we are fairly like-minded. It was not a horrible or offensive conversation...until we started talking about gun control. I am not for gun control by any means, but living out here in the wild, wild mid-west - anything short of standing in the middle of a field firing shots into the air screaming about the right to bear arms is not fervent enough.

I listened, knowing that I didn't have much to add to the conversation, until someone said "I think Obama is just using things like the Sandy Hook shooting as a tool. I don't think he cares at all. He just wants to use it to his advantage."

Ruh-roh.

So I said "Like him or not, I think that questioning his sincerity on that issue is not cool." And the conversation moved on.

It stuck with me though. I suppose I understand that if you don't like the opposing side and their goals do not reflect your goals that you judge them with a critical eye. However, anyone who watched any of the coverage of what happened to those kids (and adults) in that school and didn't feel a hollow pit in their stomach is not human. Especially a parent. I am not a hysterical person at all, but I definitely hugged my baby much tighter that day.

President Obama is just that - he is our President. He is charged with the protection and care of all the people in our borders, and while there was never anything he could have done personally to stop that act - to say that he didn't feel genuine shock and sadness at what happened that day is ridiculous. To imply that he didn't feel an ounce of horror and instead quickly got his speech writers together to decide how to spin this to fit his agenda is stupid. His politics may not make sense to me - but he isn't a monster.

This is why I immediately groan, roll my eyes, and try to stop listening when politics and religion are brought up. People don't seem capable of respectfully disagreeing without attacking the other side. And we wonder why we can't get a damn thing done in this country.

(You all think politics are bad? Visit a mommy-message board sometime. Those bitches be crazy!)