Well, this sucks.

Warning - this is not a happy or funny post.

I was pregnant. For two days. And now I am not anymore.

TJ and I have been trying for another baby. Tuesday was my birthday and I thought it would be kind of neat if I found out that I was pregnant on my birthday. I took a test and I saw a line - it was soooo light that I was sure I was imagining it. So the next day I took a digital test - and sure enough - PREGNANT! We were thrilled.

And then today - I was feeling a little crampy - went to the bathroom - and blood. Lots of it. I am not pregnant. Anymore? After all? I don't even really know what to say there.

It is stupid. I should not be so sad. I should not be so upset. Technically this is the day that I was supposed to start my period. So if I wouldn't have taken a pregnancy test - I would have never known. It would have just been another month where we would say "Damn - better luck next month."

But I did take the test. For two days, I imagined another little Pants. I mentally moved furniture, decorated a nursery, wondered boy or girl, wondered how he was going to handle being a big brother, saw Pants and new baby playing together - basically all of the things that parents do when they know a baby is coming.

I'm sad. I'm really sad. I'm mad. I'm disappointed. I feel guilty - like I could have maybe done something different. I know, logically, that I wasn't truly pregnant. It is what they call a chemical pregnancy, where there probably was fertilization, but it never implanted and was never a truly viable pregnancy. I know it wasn't real. And I kind of wish that I would not have taken that test, and I would just be a little bummed.

I'll be fine. I am fine. Pants does a pretty good job at cheering me up - and gave me the sweetest little hug earlier.

Damn it. Better luck next month.