DaDumDaDUMDUMDUM!!

That was the NBC Olympic theme song....you didn't get it?

I love, love, love, love, the summer Olympics.  I have DVR'ed every single thing and have something like 55 hours of Olympics to watch...and its only day 5!  Oh yeah bitches.

I actually would have already watched a whole lot more of it, but my husband insists that I do not erase anything so he can watch it later. And since I don't love it enough to watch it twice, I just wait for him.

The Olympics kind of make me wish that I had actually decided to not go to college, move to the east coast, get a job as a riding student, and give riding a go.  Most days I don't even think of that choice. If I had chosen that life, I would be a nomad - which I am not a fan of.  I would have next to no income. I would not have a family. And I probably would have failed. When I look around the home that we own, and look at my son's sweet face, I know that I made the right choice- even if I don't have horses in my life at this moment.

But 17 days every 4 years, I wish I was in whatever exotic location, with the American Flag on  my arm, jumping huge jumps on incredible horses for my country.  Its just so cool.

I think what I like about the Olympics is that most people can do most of the sports. Anyone can run, jump, swim, shoot a gun or bow and arrow, play basketball. Of course, the level at which these people compete is insane, and 99.9 percent of us can't come close...but its fun. Its fun to imagine yourself on that podium, listening to your anthem playing.  It makes me feel all patriotic.

Then there is gymnastics...that shit is nuts. No one can do that. Those people are freaks.  I like watching that because it doesnt seem possible. Its amazing.  Those people are beasts.

Since I have a DVR now, I am watching much more coverage than I ever have before.  I used to only watch swimming, diving, gymnastics and of course, my horses.  But I have watched all day every single day this time, and I am amazed at the sports that are included.  For example, today I watched fencing, badminton, handball, water polo, and field hockey....really? Are these all necessary? (I should say, that by "watching", for most of these sport it means "watching-five-minutes-and-realizing-its-fucking-boring-and-fast-forwarding-through-the-rest". So I have watched them all at x60 speed.) Most of these sports don't even exist on the intramural level at college, so why the hell are they at the Olympics?

After I wrote that, I realized that what I thought was interesting and what the rest of the world thought was interesting are probably not the same.  But I still think handball is fucking stupid. Water polo, too.  I stand by those. And badminton. OK, I meant my previous statement. That shit is dumb, and I can't believe that I just fast-forwarded through 10 hours of it.

I am perversely interested in weightlifting though. These tiny people are lifting my fridge over their heads. They lift almost three times their body weight.  They all have terrible acne. The announcers say things like "snatch" and "jerk". I can't look away.

I just read through this post and its lame. Sorry.  I would not even make the finals of blogging with it. Oops.

Its MY relationship....

My husband is one of 4 children. He has an older sister and two younger brothers. TJ's brother, Sean, is just a couple years younger than him. Sean and my friend, Ann, have always had a flirtation, and have hooked up on occasion.  We never thought anything would really come of it, they are more than 4 years apart, Sean really liked hooking up with anything that walked, Ann wants to get married and have babies...like yesterday.

A few months ago, Ann and Sean decided to give it a go. They have been dating for almost 8 months, and now live together. I am happy they are happy - BUT -

QUIT FUCKING COMPARING MY RELATIONSHIP TO YOURS!

Yes, I am yelling.

I know that we are all incredibly close. Ann and I have been best friends going on 15 years now. Outside of my husband and baby, there is not a person I know better or care about more than her. We are absolute staples in each others lives. TJ and Sean enjoy almost all of the same things, and I have to ask TJ not to make plans with Sean every single day on the weekends. Because, you know, his wife and son may want to spend some time with him.

That said, Sean and I would never have worked out. We are both waaayyyy too stubborn. He has incredibly traditional views on how a relationship should work, which immediately makes me turn all "I am woman, hear me roar".  (I am stong, STRONG, I am invincible, INVINCIBLE, I am woman...oooooooooo).  TJ and Ann also do not see eye-to-eye.  They both are big worries, and very particular. Neither one of them is gifted at getting over their own stuff for the benefit of others.  Which is pretty funny because they both think they are great at it.

We all know all of this about each other.  Still, for some crazy reason, every tiny thing that TJ and I do, I have to hear about "why isnt that happening with us?".  "He didn't call me....TJ called you?" "When you fight does TJ <insert whatever odd thing Sean did here>.  And whenever I get my answers to these questions, Ann quickly says to Sean, "Well, Gentry and TJ do this!" and then they fight about why its not going to work.

Ann (not your real name) I hope one day, you read this.  And I hope you go "Hmmm, Ann, thats my middle name. Sean is his middle name.  I bet she is talking about us. Damn. SEAN, GET IN HERE, GENTRY WROTE ABOUT US ON A BLOG!" Good - now that I have you both here -

QUIT FUCKING COMPARING MY RELATIONSHIP TO YOURS!!

Yup, it was so important I yelled it twice.

Look, TJ and I have a 7 year head start on you guys, we are married, we have a kid. We have been through cross country moves, family deaths, weddings, and almost a decades worth of holidays and memories.  We have a system together that works so well, we bicker like nobody's business, but we hardly ever fight.  And we all know what works for us, and our temperaments would never, ever be what works for you guys. So I don't want to hear a comparison every time any teeny thing happens. There is no comparison - they are two completely separate entities that have no effect on each other what so ever.

I say this because I love you, and I don't want to have to kick you both in the shins.


*Edited to add* P.S- For the last 6 months, the baby has gone to bed at 7:30.  This has happened every time you come to visit, when I come visit you, whenever we talk, etc.  So when you ONLY call at 7:30 - you can't get mad that I don't *ever* talk to you.  Just sayin'. .

Stupid

My husband is an odd duck.

He is an engineer. This means (at least to me) that he is brilliant, cerebral, and driven. It also means that he is a big fat nerd.

We lived in New Jersey for a couple years after we were first married.  Right across the river from Philadelphia. We hated it. It was neat to be able to go to New York, DC, Philly, Atlantic City at the drop of a hat. But we HATED the traffic, mean people, and expense. Anyway, the point of this tangent was to say that one time we were driving through downtown Philly - and we passed a skyscraper. TJ estimated the number of floors, height and width of windows, and then told me the square footage of glass that was used to make that building. And then he told me "fascinating" facts about glass and construction.

In college, he had to do a senior project where 4 or 5 students worked with a real company. At the end of the semester, he had the guys over in the garage for a "party." Now, in my normal, college experience - I would get off work to find loud music, people all over, a keg, and at least one sloppy guy falling all over some poor girl.

I come home to find the 5 guys who had worked on the project together sitting on the futon, with a beer, and just talking.  They were not even playing ping pong. I stopped in to say hi - and listened to jokes about math equations, professors, etc. It was immediately apparent that I could not participate in the conversation, and headed in the house. When TJ had come in to use the bathroom once, I asked him why the guys had not invited their friends. He said he had told them to - and this was all that showed up. Sad.

He believes that salt gets a bad rap. And backs it up with studies and citations.

I am a firm believer that is the reason TJ and I are together. He is much hotter than I am - so I had to get him weird. It evens us out.

One of the things that drives me bonkers - is when he decides that he hates something, he immediately goes on the attack. During the day, when I am home with the wee-Pants-one, I watch some pretty crappy T.V. Lately I have been watching Greys Anatomy from the beginning. TJ was at headquarters for something today, and popped by on the way home.

This is our conversation as he ate lunch -

TJ - "God, this show is so stupid."

Me -"OK"

TJ - "Really, really stupid."

Me - "OK"

TJ - "Who is that?"

Me-"That is the pregnant womans husband. He got in a car crash on the way to the hospital."

TJ - "Stupid."

Me- "OK"

TJ - "What are they doing?"

Me - "Having sex."

TJ - "Stupid"

He continued to question every scene while he rinsed his dish, and headed for the door. Then he stood, in the doorway, with the door wide opened, and watched the last ten minutes of the show. The whole time telling me how stupid it was. OK, babe. OK. Part of me wants to wait until he gets home tomorrow to start it, see what happens. My guess is he would watch two episodes back to back, bitching the whole time. Stupid.

Totally off-topic. You know how when you spell something too many times, it starts to look wrong? Thats how stupid is looking to me now. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

Car Seat Conundrum

Our itty-bitty Pants baby (my god, I will embarrass the shit out of him when he gets old. It shall be awesome) is not so itty-bitty anymore.

In the last 3 weeks that monster is crawling, sitting up on his own, and now is pulling up on things. I keep expecting him to stroll into the room and ask me for the car keys - cause he has a hot bitch waiting for him to take her to the Red Lobster. Its terrifying.

As he is now practically living on his own, he is getting too big for his little carrier car seat. He can also sit up on his own now, so he can sit up on carts and stuff at the store, so the little carrier isn't as necessary. So we decided to make the huge leap to convertible car seat ownership.

Is it too late to return the child? Nothing is worth this pain in the ass.

We have two vehicles.  He have a 2001 Ford Explorer Sport Trac and a 2009 Toyota Yaris.

Since I am a stay at home mom, I consider it part of my duties to make sure that our dollars go the furthest they possibly can. So I immediately went to my favorite place. Sams Club.  Hell to the yeah. Sams Club has single-handedly  cut our formula and diaper bill in half. So I got the only car seat they had available. It was 100 dollars - but it functions all the way up to 100 pounds as a booster. (The fact that we now expect our children to be in a car seat until 13 or 100 pounds is a whole 'nother story. I mean, I'm all for safety - but my sister is STILL not 100 pounds and she is 22.) So I bought it and headed home.

TJ and I installed it that night after Pants went to sleep.  First of all, its been over 100 here for 19 straight days, with no end in sight. It rarely gets under 85 at night. Its terrible. Thinking this would be as easy-peasy as the carrier, we just headed outside. After 15 minutes of searching and still not finding where the hell the seat belt threads through, we gave up and stomped inside to read the manual. I consider this a big step for TJ. I think reading the instructions was a physically painful experience.

We read the manual front and back. I can't imagine how we didn't find the tiny little hole that threads UNDER the cover, so that you have to practically take apart the whole damn seat just to install it. After a struggle where I was perched in the seat while TJ yanked on the strap we finally got it tight enough. Dum, dum, dum - the level dealio on the side said it was not reclined enough. So we shoved THREE towels under the front end of the freaking thing and then repeat the sitting/yanking process and its in.

As we had a beer to celebrate our hard-fought victory, TJ said to me - if you think I am switching that thing from car to car - you are fucking crazy.

So Sams Club gets 100 extra dollars.

Two nights later - we are prepared for battle in my car. Thinking we are way ahead of the curve having done this once already - we even decide to give it a go while Pants is awake.

Since the Yaris is newer- it has the fancy latch system that is supposed to make everything a breeze. We could not get it tight enough no matter what. So we used the belt. Still not tight enough. We moved it to a side - where it makes it so you have to hump the dash if you are in front of the seat. And them the belts pull weird and Pants would be riding on his left side. We finally admitted defeat.

I returned the stupid thing to Sam's where they would only give me a gift card. Ugh. I mean, I know Ill use it - I just could use that money towards the other seat I have to buy.

Google informed me that ONLY TWO car seats in ALL of EXISTENCE fit in the Yaris. And of course one is 300 dollars. I read up on the 160 dollar one and it seems like people like it. And I will be DAMNED if I spend 300 dollars on a car seat.  The only kicker is neither seat functions as a booster - so I will have to buy yet ANOTHER sear when that time comes. Le sigh. Whatever.

Amazon was out of stock. Target had only a pink one. I didn't think Pants would appreciate that. He already has these stunning eyelashes and people call him "she". I don't need to add to the complex for the poor kid. Wal-Mart was a success! And I got a gender neutral one until I remembered he would be in the damn thing way to long for a younger sibling to use it and we would have to buy two more whenever we have another baby. What - fucking - ever. Wal-Mart only had it online - but would ship it site-to-store for no charge. Fine. When can I pick it up?

3 weeks. Oh. Em. Motha. Effeing. Gee.

I think he can just roll around in the back there right? I mean we all did and we survived!

I hope I'm not pregnant - I don't think I can handle having to be a family with FOUR different car seats for TWO kids. Not including infant seats and boosters. Plus, by the time I have another, the guidelines will be in a booster until 6 foot tall and and 185 pounds. My seats will have "expired" and I will have to start all over.

What a racket.

I must be nuts...

Seriously - bona fide insane.  Nuthouse certifiable.

Did I mention that Pants is 5 1/2 months old? He is. He was born at the end of January. He is pretty much a brand spanking new person.

And last night - we sent in the solider with no helmet on.  Did you understand that euphemism? Ok, we sent the dude out in the rain with no raincoat.  Still not following me?

We had unprotected sex. Yup.  Say it - I'm crazy right.

See, we have always wanted two kids.  Well, that is so not true.  I didn't want children at all.  But TJ did, and so we made a deal.  We agreed that we would not try not to have kids, as long as we didn't actively try to. My mother had a hard time conceiving her children.  She had two, and never was able to get pregnant without some kind of outside intervention.  I was secretly hoping that I had some sort of issue from her.

For a while, I thought I did.  It took us about 8 months of not trying - trying to become with child. And we had always said we would have zero or two.  We didn't want an only child - and we didn't want to be outnumbered.  So two it was.

However, I HATED pregnancy. Not even exaggerating. I also don't hate a lot of things.  I believe hate is a wasted emotion.  That if you hate something you are so much better off just cutting it out of your life.  Hate is a strong emotion, and requires a lot of time, energy and head space. My theory is if you dislike something- don't give it that power.  Just get rid of it.

That is not possible when you are pregnant.  Its part of you, in every sense of the word.  The only cure is delivery - which for a first timer is so scary. I don't think I had a hard pregnancy, at least compared to other horror stories I have heard. But it wasn't a cake walk either.  I was a constant, low level nauseous the first 3-4 months.  Smells would send me running to the bathroom to get rid of what little food I had been able to choke down.  I worked on my feet, full time, so the swelling was out of control.  We had to come up with a new term for my legs - I didn't have cankles - I had kanankles.  It was one solid mass from knee down. I developed gestational diabetes and was on a diet the last 3 months of my pregnancy.  I was meaner than a snake, and I cried at the drop of a hat.

Back to the point.  Now that we have one baby, I was not sure that I wanted another.  That was shot down quickly. Dammit.

We have both decided that we want to be done before we turn 31.  So we have 3 years to get pregnant again.  Now the decision is just when to have one.

The pros of getting knocked up right away:
   1. Pants would be so young that he would never know any different. Chances are the kids will be best friends ( we are hoping for another boy) The jealousy would hopefully be low to non-existent.
   2. We would be done will all of the annoying baby stuff earlier. Diapers, formula, baby purees, no sleep, all of it.
   3. They would be close in school.  Would be able to do sports together. All sorts of fun things.

The cons of getting preggo -
   1. I hate being preggo.
   2. What if I have a girl?
   3. I love that right now I am able to give Pants all the attention he could ever want. I am loving our little family dynamic.
   4. Pants may be old enough to understand whats going on and be helpful with a new baby.

Ugh.  We basically decided to leave it up to fate. It took us a while last time, so what if it does this time? We are going to leave it up to biology, god, Dumbledore - or whatever it is that makes the universe tick.

Knowing my luck - I'm pregnant.

Son of a bitch.

I must be nuts.

Am I as funny as I think I am?

I have always toyed with the idea of a blog.

Truthfully, I have always toyed with the idea of a journal.  I always loved looking all my handwriting in neat rows.  But getting the discipline to write consistently was the challenge. Plus, when I looked back on what I wrote - I sounded like a whiny little beoytch.

I am now older, wiser, infinitely more clever and cynical. Plus I am a stay at home mom - so what else do I have to be doing, ammairite? Plus, I type much quicker than I write.

I also am still deciding if I will actually use my name and such on this. See, I want to be able to bitch about people without the fear that they will read about it the next day. I think I will be much more fun that way, more uninhibited, like I am always writing after a big gulp margarita. But I don't want to be a puss about it - and I don't think that I would ever say anything that isn't honest - and I try not to be a mean person as a whole.

And its not like anyone else will ever actually read this. So its probably a moo point. You know - moo - like a cows' opinion.

I'm kidding.  I am not an idiot. I am a child of the 80's. I listened to Jessie's Girl enough to know that the term is moot point. I just watch a lot of Friends re-runs.

I am going to operate on the slightly embarrassing possibility that someone is actually reading this and I will introduce myself.  My name is Gentry. I am 27. I am married to a wonderful guy I shall call TJ. Its not a clever nickname. I just made it up now - I don't work well under pressure. We have a baby boy - who I will call Pants.  Its short for Cranky Pants.  Pants is not cranky all the time - so Pants it is.

We all live in Kansas, which we really love. It takes its seasons seriously - whatever one it is it commits.  For instance, right now its 100 goddamn degrees outside and its 10 at night. Weee. But the people are wonderful, and this is where our families live.

We have two dachshunds -  Bean and Delano. They are pretty funny - especially Delano.  He is probably the stupidest dog in the whole world - but as ignorance is bliss - he could not be happier about it.  Bean is everything a dog should be - she is fiercely loyal, stands vigil when TJ heads out of town - and lets Pants grab hunks of doxie skin. Delano hides under the bed when anything out of the ordinary happens. He doesn't deal with change well. But then - who does?

I love, love, love horses - but as i am a stay-at-home madre - recently made the heart-wrenching decision to sell my horse.  I was not able to ride enough to justify the expense, and a really good young horse was sitting and going to waste. TJ swears to me that one day we will have land and horses again. I have taped him saying this on my i-pod - so that he will not be surprised when in a few years when I want to purchase the ponies again. Or when he doesn't let me have horses - he wont be shocked when I leave his ass.  Kidding. Sort of.

Welp - I believe those are the basics.  I am going to try to stay committed to posting on a regular basis, for me. And hopefully one day someone will like to read it. Crazier things have happened.