I like strong women

While I was reading Gone Girl, I came across a sentence that made me terrified.

Amy says that when a man is dating a woman - and she is a strong woman - and the man says "I like strong women" - that he actually hates strong women and will cheat on you because you are too much work. 

I am a strong woman...probably obnoxiously so. I definitely have a voice that I exercise. Often. 

TJ tells me that he likes that I am a strong woman. 

Ruh-roh. 

Gone Girl

It's time for another book review!

(This will contain spoilers!)

Ho-ly shit.

It has been a while since I have read a thriller. I have been spending a lot of time in fantasy lately, and boy did I pick a hell of a book to wander back to thrillers with.

Here is a little run-down on the plot. Nick and Amy are two supremely screwed up people. They start in a happy marriage and little by little just seem to fall apart. After lay offs, family illnesses and financial difficulties - they hate each other.

Then Amy disappears on their fifth wedding anniversary - and it does not look good for Nick. He lies, he sneaks, he has a disposable cell phone, he thinks terrible things about his missing wife. He tries to undercut the police and work to find his wife - if only to cover his own ass. You want to feel sorry for him - but he is just such a jerk - and is so obviously hiding something - that you just can't. Then you find out that he is a cheater and you really don't like him.

In between Nick chapters we have excerpts from Amy's diaries. She is whiny, passive aggressive, manipulative, rude, and seems to think rather highly of herself. Her chapters feel odd.

Right when you are ready to lock Nick up - the script totally flips. Amy is alive - and a sociopath. She found out about Nick's affair and set up this huge, elaborate murder. She is gleefully watching him dangle in the wind. She is hateful, nasty, and seriously crazy. She has cut herself and even faked a pregnancy. Bitch be crazy! Amy is holed up in some rent by the week cabins in the Ozarks, gets robbed,  and has to plan her return - which she manages to do - by killing a man she claims kidnapped her.

She returns home where Nick hates her - she hates him and they commence in a power struggle. Amy ends up pregnant - AND THEY STAY TOGETHER.

The whole book is actually very complicated and detailed - this synopsis does not do it justice.

I have a love/hate relationship with this book.

I hate every single person in it. There is not a person that seems to have a redeeming quality. They are all nasty, self serving bastards who only do things that they feel will directly benefit them. Amy is absolutely, certifiably insane - she holds grudges and exacts terrible revenge on people she even thinks have slighted her. She fancies herself the smartest person alive - and when she was robbed - I was seriously cheering "Hell yeah! You stupid hooker!" I hate, hate, hate that they end up together. They are both so wrapped up in themselves and the game that they will not allow the other one a moment of peace - even if it makes themselves miserable.

I could seriously march to Carthage and kill them myself for bringing a baby into this mess.

But on the other hand, it is an enthralling story. I am usually very good at seeing what is coming next - and this book kept my guessing. I like that Gillian Flynn was not scared to keep these characters who they are - and not let them end up happily ever after - just apart. Or have one take the easy way out and actually kill the other. She lets them stay true to their sick, twisted lives. They love it, they hate it, they would not know how to be if they weren't in it. I can appreciate that.

This book was fantastic. I will absolutely be reading Gillian Flynn's other books as soon as I can. That chick is twisted - and I like it.

Yes, Sir, that smell is vomit.

Good news! I feel a lot better today. My husband took wonderful care of me, I slept about 16 hours - and I am about 70 percent back.

Terrible news- Pants has the full blown flu. He has a fever, he is vomiting, and is just a sad, sad baby.

This is the first real sickness we have had. We had an ear infection once - which we only guessed by ear touching and after the first dose of antibiotics that baby never looked back. Same with a bout of pink eye. He did get a pretty gnarly cold once - and that was about a week of a snot river with a sleepy baby.

This is different though. This is a sick kid. I don't think I have ever had anything break my heart like that little dude puking in his bowl and crying. It makes me feel helpless because he is hurting and scared and I cannot do a single thing to help him understand what is happening to him. While we were waiting on the meds to kick in he laid on the tile floor in the kitchen because he was so hot he didn't know where else to go. He was whimpering during his nap today - just this sad, teeny little noise. Ugh.

I can't say it out loud because it will cost me a dime - so I will say it here - FUCK YOU FLU! Fuck you hard - and sideways. Fuck you, you fucking fuck.

Phew. 50 cents saved.

I did notice some personal growth, however. There was nothing that would make me puke faster than someone else puking. Frat parties were the worst - when they got sloppy - I was done. I haven't felt queasy at all though. I am too busy feeling bad for the teeny dude to worry about me. Ahh- mommyhood.

Here is hoping that Pant's illness is over in about 24 hours like mine was. Fingers crossed.

(oh - and flu? Fuck you.)

Annnddd I'm sick

uuuuugggggghhhhhhhhhhh

That is me whining because I don't feel good.

I am sick and whiny.

The only bright side is that TJ took the day off of work and is being an amazing husband and taking care of Pants all day while I lay in bed and watch TV and drink water - while trying to find a way to swallow without it hurting. Turns out - there isn't one.

I have to admit - the relaxation and the break is nice. Too bad the headache and the sore throat are cutting into my mellow day.

uuuuuuuuuggggggghhhhhhhhh

I'll be back some other day when my head isn't so heavy and I am concentrate on being more clever.

Opportunity and Bob Marley

Pants is talking. All. The. Time.

He is a complete motormouth- and the thing that kills me more than anything is that I can only understand about 10 words! He tells me entire stories, complete with inflections, hand gestures, giggles where he told a joke - and I miss it all. I want nothing more than to know what goes on in that little head.

He will mimic sounds that we make - obviously - and sometimes he stumbles on a word.

For instance - the other day we were watching Sesame Street- and Elmo was telling us all about the word of the day "opportunity". As Elmo said opportunity over and over and over and over again, Pants sat enthralled. Pants then looks over at me and TJ and says clear as day: "Opportunity."

TJ and I squeal and clap - Pants claps - and then we spend the next 24 hours saying opportunity over and over and over and over. For nothing - apparently once Pants has mastered a word he never has to say it again. He is moved on to harder words, like onomatopoeia. Or it was a fluke. But I am pretty sure I have a genius baby.

Then, this weekend, we were visiting my parents. We were sitting in the kitchen and my dad was playing music on his computer. Pants was starting to dance and Grandpa asked Pants if he liked Bob Marley. Pants happily chirps "Bob Marley!". Cue four adults acting like idiots and trying to get him to repeat it. No luck - but we had witnesses this time - so no one can say that TJ and I made it up!

I can't wait for what he says next. I hope it is something really smart - and not McDonalds or something.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Time for another book chat! This time it is The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

Warning: will contain spoilers.

But really - who hasn't read these books or seen the movies.

Oh, right. Me. I am that much of a lame ass.

I have, of course, heard lots and lots of people quote these movies...so I had an idea of what I was getting into. I knew the answer to the universe was 42. I knew the dolphins were always from other planets and were trying to warn the humans the whole time. I knew the general premise. I knew people either really liked or really did not like the movie.

What I did not know was how freaking funny these books are.

Just in case you are like me and live under a rock - let me give you a run-down. Arthur Dent is a normal, kinda loser-ish human, living on earth. His best friend - Ford Prefect- isn't actually an out of work actor like he has led on - but in fact a writer for The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Ford had hitched a lift to Earth, and was planning on staying for a week but ended up being stranded for 15 years. He is not happy about this.

Ford finds out that earth is about to be destroyed and saves his best friend Arthur. The two of them together then trip along into the middle of a scheme by Zaphod Beeblebrox - who is the crazy President of the Galaxy and happens to be a distant cousin of Ford's. Zaphod has stolen the Heart of Gold - which runs on improbability power - and the discover a lost civilization - which had actually built Earth for the mice to run experiments on humans and to discover the meaning of life, the universe, and everything. The mice know the answer to the question is 42 - but experiment Earth was supposed to tell them what question 42 answered.

Unfortunately, Earth had been destroyed 5 minutes before the 10 million year experiment was completed, the mice do not want to start over - so they want Arthur's brain. The friend's manage to escape - the mice tell everyone the question is "How many roads must a man walk down?" and all is well. The travelers decide to get some food at the restaurant at the end of the universe - and its over.

I do not normally laugh out loud at books - but this book made me giggle - frequently. I love the excerpts from The Hitchhikers Guide. Ford and Arthur trying to compliment the Vogon poetry was hilarious. Marvin, the happy-door hating depressed robot, was awesome.

It was short- and the ending felt...open. I guess that is the right word. I know it is a series and these books were never meant to stand alone so I can look past the weird ending. I also think it needs to be kept short - funny is hard for long books.

I am very excited for The Restaurant at the End of the Universe. 

I know violence is not the answer...

...But whenever some kid repeatedly knocks my precious little Pants down for no reason - making him hit his head pretty hard one time - and the parent does nothing - I have a pretty serious urge to drop-kick jerk-face kid over and over so he sees how it feels.

I probably shouldn't be your first choice of babysitter.

I settled for dirty looks and talking to Pants very loudly about "mean kids whose parents don't pay enough attention." Didn't feel quite as good as drop-kicking - but I got my point across.

Ahhh - Men

TJ was incredibly sweet and went grocery shopping last night for me. I made a list for him. All was good.

TJ gets home and says "I had to improvise. Your list didn't have enough specifics."

Me: "What do you mean?"

TJ: "Well, you said sliced olives."

Me: "Yeah?"

TJ: "But, you didn't say how many to get. I had to guess. I guessed three."

Me: "Oh."

I had to choke on the couple sarcastic comments about how he survived before a shopping list and how sorry I was to make him think. I appreciate his help very much - and would not want to shoot that particular gift horse.

I always wonder after a conversation like this if I am prone to flying off the handle about the amount of black olives in my pantry. I will have to watch that from now on. Hmmmm.

Dearly Devoted Dexter

I love books. Really - LOVE books. I spent a large amount of my childhood wishing I was Belle from Beauty and the Beast, because of the library she got. I have never in my life been more jealous than when the Beast drew back those curtains and gifted Belle with thousands upon thousands of books. It is still my lifelong goal to have a house with a library. I have so many books that I require at least two bookshelves - probably 300-400 books. I love books.

I spend any "real" me time reading, and I would really like to have someone to talk to about the books I like. I haven't found a real life book-club that doesn't just read stupid, sappy love stories that make me want to puke. I found an on-line book club that I really like - but its slow. None of my friends read. Sooo...

I am going to talk about them here. Ha! Problem solved.

(Forewarning: this will definitely contain spoilers)

My latest book is Dearly Devoted Dexter, by Jeff Lindsay. This is the second book in his series about the blood-splatter analyst.

I will start by saying that I really like the Showtime series - and the books are absolutely nothing like the series.

This book is about Dexter as he tries to handle people who know what he is - a serial killer. Deb knows his secret, and Sargent Doakes has one of his own and seems to have an innate ability to sense it in others. Maybe all serial killers do - because Dexter's dark passenger seems to easily recognize another killer.

Doakes has Dexter backed into a corner - he has made it his mission to tail Dexter and catch him making a mistake - so Dexter is forced to wok on his disguise, a mild-mannered boyfriend to Rita. He discovers his love of beer, and his despise of the really boring day to day life of humans.

Dexter gets a break when a really sadistic fuck from Doake's days as an army hit-man comes back - completely dismembering his victims, shaving all the hair from their bodies, and cutting out their tongues...and then leaving them alive. And insane. An FBI agent comes to town, Deb falls in love with him - and he falls victim to Dr. Danco. Dexter frees the fed - Doakes gets kidnapped in the cross fire - Dexter gets caught trying to save him - and ta-da! Deb and the fed save Dexter just in time - but too late for Doakes - who loses his tongue and hands and now has to keep Dexter's secret for the rest of his life.

Oh yeah - Dexter accidentally proposes to Rita and finds out her son Cody is killing neighborhood pets.

I liked this book - didn't love it. It is short - so a lot has to happen in a really short span of time - which seems rushed a lot of the time. I know that Dexter is good - but to get everything right at the first guess is a little hard to believe. I was also frustrated that weeks of time would pass with nothing happening - and Dexter not able to get a hold of Deb - and then boom - she would reappear with more information. I know it was designed to keep me feeling frustrated with Dexter - since he doesn't understand basic human interactions. All it really did though, since I DO understand humans - was make me feel frustrated - I knew Deb was in love and getting laid - I didn't need to wait for Dexter to figure it out.

I also had a hard time with how O.K Deb is with knowing that Dexter is a serial killer. She just makes a couple small comments but seems to be fine with it. Especially as a detective who hunts and hates killers for a living, I don't really believe that Deb would just be like "Oh, cool - Dexter kills. But he is my brother. Its fine." Nope, not buying it.

I really enjoy how put upon Dexter gets when Deb or Rita needs help. I was cracking up during the scene where he rescues her Fed boyfriend, and Deb is calling over and over to try to get info, and he just can't understand why she is so worried about her now amputee boyfriend.  He is legitimately angry that she won't just let him go to sleep. It was really freaking funny.

All in all, I enjoyed the book, and I will for sure read the next one. I just hope he isn't afraid to go deeper- it isn't often that I feel like I know a character better on TV than I do in the book - but that is what is happening with this series so far. I hope that changes.

That Damn Obama

I am a Republican (gasp!)

It is largely for fiscal reasons. I am not a fan of big government, and I want to drink my 44 ounces of diet coke from Sonic without being judged. I want to be able to own a gun if I want. I am definitely not a fan of political correctness. I do, however, support gay marriage and am pro-choice.

To the point:

A couple that we are friends with invited us to dinner last night. We went, had a good time, ate some good food, and all was totally peachy until the topic of politics came up. Cue lots of eye rolling from me.

All of us at the get-together vote the same, we are fairly like-minded. It was not a horrible or offensive conversation...until we started talking about gun control. I am not for gun control by any means, but living out here in the wild, wild mid-west - anything short of standing in the middle of a field firing shots into the air screaming about the right to bear arms is not fervent enough.

I listened, knowing that I didn't have much to add to the conversation, until someone said "I think Obama is just using things like the Sandy Hook shooting as a tool. I don't think he cares at all. He just wants to use it to his advantage."

Ruh-roh.

So I said "Like him or not, I think that questioning his sincerity on that issue is not cool." And the conversation moved on.

It stuck with me though. I suppose I understand that if you don't like the opposing side and their goals do not reflect your goals that you judge them with a critical eye. However, anyone who watched any of the coverage of what happened to those kids (and adults) in that school and didn't feel a hollow pit in their stomach is not human. Especially a parent. I am not a hysterical person at all, but I definitely hugged my baby much tighter that day.

President Obama is just that - he is our President. He is charged with the protection and care of all the people in our borders, and while there was never anything he could have done personally to stop that act - to say that he didn't feel genuine shock and sadness at what happened that day is ridiculous. To imply that he didn't feel an ounce of horror and instead quickly got his speech writers together to decide how to spin this to fit his agenda is stupid. His politics may not make sense to me - but he isn't a monster.

This is why I immediately groan, roll my eyes, and try to stop listening when politics and religion are brought up. People don't seem capable of respectfully disagreeing without attacking the other side. And we wonder why we can't get a damn thing done in this country.

(You all think politics are bad? Visit a mommy-message board sometime. Those bitches be crazy!)

Its Wraptastic!

Ever seen that infomercial with the Wraptastic? Its basically just a fancy box for your saran wrap dispensing needs.

I don't want it. Really. But the whole commercial they have this ah-may-zing SNAP noise every time the Wraptastic! snaps off a bit of foil. Wrap a hoagie - SNAP! Cover the lasagna - SNAP! Foil a baked potato - SNAP!

I want to buy it just to see if it has the great snap noise, and then return it immediately.

Yes, I am crazy.

50 Dollars for a Hippo!?!?

Pants is quickly getting a baby library, which rocks. He loves books and brings me multiple books a day to sit on my lap and read. I think I may be raising a reader- hallelujah! Praise Jeebus.

We finally got enough non-board books that I needed bookends. So I cruised Pinterest and found these -Zuny Bookends - which are adorable little safari bookends. I found them on Amazon for the low, low price of 50 fucking dollars. FOR ONE! Shit, in college, I had two bookSHELVES that didn't total 50 bucks.

So if you want your books to be bookended on both ends (confused?) you have to pay 100 fucking dollars. For bookends.

To add insult to injury, I googled these little dudes to see if they are cheaper somewhere else, which they aren't. But you can get a pair for 120 bucks. So, you know - more expensive to buy two than one. What the fuck? Are these people cracked? I checked and the animals do not move, light up, sing, teach your child to read or anything else that may possibly justify spending 100 dollars on something that books lean against.

I found really cute little monkeys for 29 bucks, and I got two. So - what - 14.50 a bookend? I couldn't afford not to buy them.

(I am a sucky blogger.  My proof? I just used the word sucky. And I never write. I want to try harder. I am going to write more. I am. IamIamIamIam.)